Online Book Club for “Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World.”

Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World - Online Zoom Book Club for highly sensitive people

Welcome to this edition of The Highly Sensitive Creative Book Club in which we are reading Ilse Sand’s book Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World.

Reading Schedule

We will meet on Zoom on the following Thursdays from 5 pm to 6:30 pm Pacific Time.

June 6: Introduction & Chapters 1-4

July 11: Chapters 5-7

August 1: Chapters 8-10 + Epilogue

Questions for June 6 Zoom Call

Introduction + Chapter 1: The Characteristics of Being Highly Sensitive:

Ilse Sand lays out the characteristics of sensitive people. Did you resonate with her description? Were there things you disagreed with? (I resonated with a lot of it, such as being easily affected by other people’s moods & being sensitive to sensory inputs. But some of the examples felt very specific & didn’t quite connect, such as having to “decline invitations to garden parties.” Also, some of the language didn’t quite resonate.)
Our broader culture (and sometimes, we, ourselves) can focus on the “limitations” that come with high sensitivity. What do you think are some great things about being highly sensitive?
Not all sensitive people are the same (of course!) Some of us are introverts, some extroverts. AND there are some of us who love variety & novelty and tend to get bored easily. We are that paradoxical creature: a sensitive person who is also a high-sensation-seeker. (A lot of creative people are like this!). Did you recognize the unique aspects of your own sensitive self while reading this chapter?

Chapter 2: High Standards and Low Self-Esteem:

Ilse Sand tells us that we may have developed rules for ourselves (consciously or unconsciously) that may not be serving us. For example: We may have rules such as “In all situations, I must do my best – and preferably a bit more.” OR “I am not allowed to make mistakes.” These rules can set us up for exhaustion. What did you think of this discussion? (For me, it brought up the memory of an old rule I used to have: “I should always listen before speaking.)
Ilse Sand says: “Typically, highly sensitive people will have set themselves very high standards by which to judge their own behavior.” And also, “we are particularly good at looking to ourselves for the root of any problem.” Can high standards, as Ilse Sand suggests, sometimes actually be a compensating strategy in disguise? When are our high standards helpful & when might they tip over into over-adaptation?
Do you have high standards/expectations for yourself? Do you have similar high standards for others?

Chapter 3: How to Organize Your Life According to Your Type:

Are there ways in which you have organized your life to honor your sensitivity? (Maybe, it’s by going grocery shopping during non-peak hours. Maybe, it’s by setting boundaries for phone calls.) Many sensitive people have these kinds of boundaries, but we may not talk about them (and believe we are the only ones who do this.)
Just as negative experiences can deeply affect us, positive experiences also nourish us deeply. (even more so than they nourish other people – one of the gifts of sensitivity) What are some ways in which your sensitivity is a source of nourishment in your life? (Maybe, it translates into your love for music. Or nature. Or animals. Or something else entirely.)
Ilse Sand makes a great point: “Where receiving impressions can stimulate you, expressing yourself can have the opposite effect.” How do you express yourself? (She talks about expressing ourselves not only with others, but through journaling or through creating music or art.)

Chapter 4: How to Benefit from Your Ability to Relate to Others and Be Present:

As highly sensitive people, our natural proclivity is to go deep. Sometimes, that can set us up for draining interactions. Are there ways in which you’ve learned to guard your energy? (like listening to your intuition when it says there’s a red flag about someone you’ve just met) Is there something you are still learning or struggling with?
Ilse Sand talks in a very interesting way about how to deepen a conversation as well as how to lighten it. What did you think of the discussion about the different levels of conversation? Did this feel helpful?
Which past experiences with people & social groups have been most fruitful for you? Was there anything common amongst them? (I find that meeting people through groups that talk about a shared interest or hobby, for example, really helps. I’ve found more of “my kind of people” like this.)

Questions for July 11 Zoom Call

Chapter 5: How to Face Anger: Your Own and Others’

Did you resonate with the author’s description of how sensitives deal with & express anger differently? For example: She talks about how sensitives “seem to lose out when it comes to those quick & heated discussions,” but “can actually deal very well with disagreements when we take our time.”
Have you ever tried to change the way you express your anger, either because you decided to or because someone nudged you to? (Ilse Sand mentions how sensitives are sometimes told to alter their natural style and be more aggressive, for example)
When is empathy helpful when dealing with other people’s anger? And when is it unhelpful? Do you think your empathy helps you or hinders you in confrontational situations?

Chapter 6: Guilt and Shame

As HSPs, our conscientiousness can easily morph into excessive feelings of guilt. Do you agree with the author’s assessment that guilt can sometimes be a way of feeling in control? (One of the examples she gives is of a child blaming themselves for problems at home instead of having to entertain the disturbing idea that their parents might be to blame.)
As a sensitive, what are some things you struggle with or judge yourself for? Is it that you are not able to let go of things as easily as other people? Is it that you get tired or exhausted before anyone else? Or something else entirely?
Are there things you’ve stopped feeling guilty or ashamed about regarding your sensitivity? Maybe, there are things you’ve even grown to embrace. How did this shift happen?

Chapter 7: Situations in Life

What are some challenges you have found in your relationships? Has not understanding your sensitivity been a factor in this?
What are some gifts that your sensitivity brings to your relationships?

Questions for August 1st Zoom Call

Chapter 8: Mental Health Problems

Ilse Sand talks about how a lot of her clients start off by saying that they don’t have a problem with anxiety. It made me wonder whether people do this because we are good at discounting our own feelings OR because calling it anxiety may pathologize a normal human experience. Do you think it is helpful to call our fearful feelings anxiety or not?
Ilse Sand talks about how sometimes, it is wise to prepare for the worst. (So interesting!) “You may have experienced people telling you to relax and stop worrying so much,” but she tells us this advice doesn’t work so well for highly sensitive people. (She gives the example of a mother with a son born with a heart defect.) What did you think of this discussion?
She talks about how the highly sensitive trait may look like an anxiety disorder to outsiders. Did this discussion resonate with you? Have you ever felt like you have to change who you are because of people’s projections?
Was there anything that especially connected with you in this chapter? For example: I resonated with how exhaustion can be linked to repressed grief. As I grow older, I find that grief is one of the hardest feelings to feel.

Chapter 9: Developing and Growing

Growing as sensitive people means accepting ourselves for who we are. How could we allow ourselves to be more of who we are? (One of the simplest examples mentioned is someone actually allowing themselves to walk slower, which is their natural pace.)
Do you sometimes do things even when they are overstimulating in the moment, maybe because that lines up with some other value? Are there times when overstimulation is worth feeling? And when is it not worth courting at all?
What did you think of the author’s discussion (in this and the previous chapter) about changing the way we talk to ourselves? I liked the “writing yourself a letter” suggestion. But it also made me think of how the internalized voice is not always “our voice,” but that of a critical parent or teacher. And that’s not always easy to change all on your own.

Chapter 10: Researching the Highly Sensitive Trait

What are some of your earliest memories around your sensitivity? This chapter made me think of how as a child, I was called “shy” for years and I used to literally hide behind my mother. And that it took me many long years to let go of this label. Was there something – whether positive or negative – that shaped your experience of your sensitivity?
Sensitivity is an inborn temperament trait. At the same time, nurture also plays an important role. And “When it comes to sensitivity, environment and upbringing are significant in determining whether it becomes a vulnerability or a resource.” Are there ways in which you can nurture yourself right now?
Did the discussion around sensitivity research feel helpful? Did you have any questions that were left unanswered?

Epilogue: A Gift for the Highly Sensitive

Ilse Sand talks about how mixed it can feel to finally understand that our sensitivity is an actual trait. It can make us feel relieved while also bringing up feelings of sadness or exhaustion at feeling misunderstood for so long. How did reading this book make you feel?