“To have high standards is often linked to low self-esteem.”

We have been reading Ilse Sand’s book Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World in The Highly Sensitive Creative Book Club. As it often does, some ideas from the book jumped out at me. 

One was when Ilse Sand talked about how highly sensitive people often lack faith in our own worth:  

“To have high standards is often linked to low self-esteem. High standards may have occurred as a way to compensate for this low self-esteem. The more you think you are not worth loving, the more you try to find compensating strategies.” 

Of course, as a creative person, I’ve often thought of how debilitating perfectionism can be. But I haven’t ever heard it said so directly that high standards are actually a sign of low self-esteem. 

A little later, Ilse Sand goes on to talk about how highly sensitive people tend to be internalizers. 

“We are particularly good at looking to ourselves for the root of any problem. One of our preferred strategies is to try to predict what can go wrong, but in doing so, we often try to examine our own behaviour for faults. We would much rather blame ourselves than have the unpleasant experience of being criticised unexpectedly by others.”   

When I read this, I thought, Guilty as charged. 

She goes on to say: 

“If you think of yourself as unlovable but do not create compensating strategies, you will eventually meet people who like you just as you are. Reality will prove your assumptions wrong. However, low self-esteem and high standards can maintain and reinforce each other. (emphasis mine). If you keep behaving according to your high standards, creating compensating strategies, and you find that people like you, you never really know if it is because they like you for yourself or whether it’s just your helpfulness they appreciate.” 

We have to be willing to drop our high standards to get out of this vicious circle. 

Of course, if your job requires a high level of quality (maybe you are a doctor), that’s a different thing. But I instinctively sensed what Ilse Sand is talking about, and I think, if you are a highly sensitive person, you’ll have your own instinctive sense of which of your high standards are helpful and which are actually a compensating strategy. 

Ilse Sand also talks about how we may have developed unconscious “rules” for ourselves as highly sensitive people. For example: We may tell ourselves that “In all situations, I must do my best – and preferably a bit more.” OR “I am not allowed to make mistakes.”   

Obviously, when we say these out loud, it’s easy to see how counterproductive this kind of thinking can be. 

I found this part of the book really interesting. Ilse Sand is a therapist, and it struck me how familiar some of the defensive strategies she discusses felt to me. Some of them are things I used to do years ago. Some are things I do on some level even now. 

I found this a helpful, interesting book that gave me several new insights. And it prompted several “aha” moments in our book club group as well. If you’re looking for an insightful, easy read, this is a great book to pick up! 

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey. Find more about Ritu HERE.

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