Sensitives, Ask More Questions!

For sensitives, a lot has been written about our tendency to get entangled with toxic people. A lot has also been written about our tendency to be people-pleasers. 

We feel both our own feelings intensely & are sensitive to other people’s feelings. If we grew up feeling that we were not important, many of us also have a tendency towards codependency. 

So, learning to set boundaries is a huge part of our learning. And one big way in which we can learn to be more discerning is to as more questions. This does not mean being intrusive or asking personal questions. It simply means asking more questions about the things that concern us — our time, our work, and our finances. 

1. Asking questions breaks that deer-in-the-headlight feeling: You may be a gentle soul who doesn’t ask invasive questions. But I am sure you have come across at least a few people who ask you a hundred questions. Next time, ask a question back. This one takes some practice, but you can either turn the same question around in some version of What about you? OR there may be times when you want to be more direct: Why do you ask? How direct you want to be depends on many things – what you’re comfortable with, the person you’re speaking with, and also the cultural context (I know directness is not considered a “good thing” in many Asian cultures.) So, the kind of question you ask will be different in different settings. But the trick is to ask something, ANYTHING. What this does is turn the spotlight away from you and squarely onto the other person. It is almost magical how it breaks the freeze.     
2. It gives you information about people: In the last few years, I have had several interactions with doctors, and I’ve realized that apart from qualifications (which, of course, are super-important), one of the most important things I need in my doctor is that they are willing to answer questions. I think it tells you a lot about who you are dealing with – whether the person is competent, whether they are willing to partner with you, and whether they are empathetic. And this is true in a variety of situations. When people get defensive about things that you have a right to know, it tells you something important about them.   
3. It prevents you from saying yes to things before you’ve understood what you’re saying yes to: A lot of us grow up being told directly or indirectly that good people help others & put others first. And as women, we are often conditioned to Be Nice (Don’t ask too many questions). So, we often get into a lot of trouble because we are coming from an unquestioning space OR the space of not even considering our own self. I know I have done this in the past. And I found this post by fellow sensitive Sarah Kuhn in which she talks about asking more questions. Sarah says: “If I were making a list of “Rules for Life” I would start with this: ask more questions. You can never ask enough. When my niece came to live with me, she wanted to get a dog. I agreed because I assumed we were talking about a miniature dachshund, like she had had before. But no. She wanted a golden retriever. Ten pounds versus one hundred pounds is a massive difference. Had I known what I know now, I would have asked a LOT more questions.” Like Sarah, asking more questions is on my “rules for life.” 

In the end, I do want to mention that asking more questions is a wonderful rule to apply in ALMOST ALL situations. 

But sometimes, you may be in a threatening or destabilizing system, like with a narcissistic boss, where asking too many questions can land you in trouble. If you’re in a situation like this, by all means, be discerning. Safety first. So, maybe, you need to keep quiet for now while you plan your escape. Or maybe you need to talk to a friend or mentor at work before you start asking more direct questions.

But always remember, when we are not allowed to ask questions or actively discouraged from asking questions, we’re being asked to chip away some of our power, some of our agency. And when we stay too long in situations like these, we can become like the frog getting slowly boiled in water, stewing in the juices of our resentment as others cross our boundaries again and again. 

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey, which TEDx speaker Andy Mort calls “a fascinating insight into the life of a highly sensitive person & emotional empath.” SIGN UP HERE for Ritu’s newsletter The Highly Sensitive Creative or Get the book HERE.