Even though I have written a book about being an empath, some things about the online conversation around being sensitive REALLY bother me. Sometimes, we talk as if EVERYTHING can be solved on the individual level.
There is no doubt that as highly sensitive people, we need to take responsibility for saying no. We need to pay attention to our energetic boundaries, so we can stand our ground instead of feeling pushed around by other people’s feelings.
But in addition to all this, we need to bring our attention to the ways in which our upbringing might have encouraged us to give up our boundaries.
If you are a highly sensitive person — woman or man — who grew up hearing that good people always put others first, you are going to have that much more of a hard time setting limits with others.
This is especially true for highly sensitive women.
Most women grow up in cultures where we are told, very decidedly, what a “good woman” is.
Good women are supposed to put other people first, think of the other person’s needs, NOT think of their own needs, give up their anger to “preserve” relationships, and somehow be totally content while doing this.
Of course, the degree to which this is expected is different from culture to culture. What a woman is asked in India, I know, is different from what she might be asked in America.
BUT there’s a huge amount of commonality in women’s experiences.
A huge number of us grow up not paying attention to our needs & simultaneously feeling guilty when we ask for more. This is not just an individual problem. It’s a systemic one.
How in the world are we supposed to set boundaries if we are always stuffing down our feelings & minimizing our own experiences?
So much of our problems with boundary-setting as highly sensitive women are also problems that ALL women face. Yes, being emotionally intense definitely complicates things. Feeling things deeply often does.
But a lot of the “Where do I end and the other person begins?” question is a problem that grows like invisible weeds in the foundations of many women, NOT just highly sensitive women.
As an Indian-American living in the United States, I was reminded of this again when I read the book Chup: Breaking the Silence of India’s Women by Deepa Narayan. (Chup means Quiet or Be Quiet in Hindi.)
In this book, based on 600 detailed interviews with women & some men across India’s metropolises, social scientist Deepa Narayan talks about how, even so-called “better off” Indian women who belong to India’s middle & upper classes (and whose lives are supposed to be different from India’s poor women) are still socialized to “adjust.”
“Adjust” is an euphemistic Indian-English word that tells Indian women to not take up too much space & exist only in relationship with others, and not as a distinct self.
Keep Quiet. Don’t Ask Questions. Don’t Make People Unhappy.
This is what “Adjust” means.
Because we are taught to adjust, it can feel really hard to separate in-born qualities like empathy from the conditioning that tells us to people-please. I talk about my own journey of separating this & feeling like I was bashing my head against a wall as I tried to differentiate my empathy from codependence in The Empath’s Journey.
If you have been taught to sweep things under the rug, or become confused about what your needs even are (forget asking for what you want), your experience is, sadly, not unique.
Look around you. You will see that what ails you also, in part, ails your sister, your mother, your friend.
Your self-doubt, your questioning yourself again and again is not ONLY because you’re sensitive and take people’s words to heart. That is definitely part of the equation. But it’s NOT the full picture.
The underlying reason saying no makes us feel guilty as women is because we have been shaped to carry guilt and shame almost as a badge of honor.
So, while you work on your boundaries & work to actively become less nice and more kind, I hope you also look around at what the bigger culture is telling us everyday as women. You are not the only one who feels guilty. You are not the only one who feels shame.
Here is the dignified & articulate Deepa Narayan talking about 7 Beliefs that Can Silence Women & How to Unlearn Them. This TED talk is specifically geared towards Indian women, but I think you will find at least some portion of your experience in it as a highly sensitive woman.
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey and a Silver Medal awardee at the Rex Awards, co-presented by the United Nations in India. Check out Ritu’s newsletter for curated resources about sensitivity & creativity.
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