As highly sensitive people, we pay attention to subtle details. We also tend to be conscientious and try to avoid making mistakes. But this tendency towards seeing subtleties and nuances can easily veer into perfectionism.
If we grew up in a family or culture that emphasized “doing things right” or appearing perfect in the eyes of others, our natural tendency to observe turns inwards. It becomes laser-focused on our own shortcomings, on our own missteps.
For highly sensitive people, when we are looking from the inside, it can almost feel as if we are always making mistakes, as if we are always falling short.
And if we have a harsh inner critic that constantly lashes out at us (usually the internalized voice of a parent/teacher), we can feel not only that we do things wrong, but that we are wrong.
But even if we don’t have this inner cutting voice, as highly sensitive people hardwired to notice things, we can still be hyper-aware of mistakes. I read a quote by George Orwell recently that speaks to this. It talks about how our internal view of our own life will almost always feel like a series of mistakes, a series of wrong turns.
The quote is about autobiographical books but like all great quotes, it applies to life in general:
“Autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats.”
Any life, when viewed from the inside, Orwell says, is simply a series of defeats.
This line seems negative at first, but it’s actually a pretty realistic statement of how we often see ourselves. Viewed from the inside, our life can seem like a patchwork of things that didn’t work out until some things did.
No one else but us knows how many mistakes we made before we figured things out. No one else but us knows the gap between where we wished we were & where we actually are. No one else but us sees how fragile and breakable we can sometimes feel against a world that feels harsh.
And no one else knows about those times we shamefully guard, those times when we fell short of our own values, our own standards.
So, even though Orwell’s quote feels pessimistic at first, it tells us about the reality of human experience. EVERYONE feels this way, whether they are conscious of it or not. Everyone feels as if they are suffering defeats, as if they’re falling short.
Because we are so close to our own lives, we are only focused on ourselves. We know all the attempts we’ve made that didn’t work out. We know our skills or the lack thereof. We also know how much of a role luck or god or the universe played in getting us here.
So if you are a highly sensitive person who tends to be perfectionistic & feel like you make a lot of mistakes, remember it’s because you are a keen observer of your own missteps.
And remember, we are ALL making some misstep or the other ALL THE TIME. We are all doing something wrong, whether it’s saying the wrong thing or making the wrong choice.
Some mistakes are small. Some are big. But many are just experiments.
So, next time, when the harsh inner voice lashes out at you and says, You are always doing things wrong,” tell it, “Yes, I am. Just like everyone else.”
Anyone who is living and choosing and trying is making mistakes.
And anyone who is making mistakes is also getting a chance to learn from them.
So, as a conscientious, hyper-aware-of-details sensitive soul, I hope you see that mistakes are actually the stitches in your patchwork quilt. They are not the pieces. I hope you let yourself make some, the small ones at least, and see that these can also be the arrows that point you in the right direction, and tell you what works for you and what doesn’t.
And I hope you see that you belong even if you make mistakes. We are all sitting in this same circle and also hoping that we still belong, even with all our mistakes.
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey, which TEDx speaker Andy Mort calls “A fascinating insight into the life of a highly sensitive person and an emotional empath.” Sign up for Ritu’s newsletter to get two free chapters of The Empath’s Journey.
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