As the world around us shifts because of the Coronavirus pandemic, a lot of us are feeling fear and uncertainty to different degrees. For those of us lucky to be at home and work from home, that anxiety might be on the edge of our days or bubbling under the surface.
We might even have had some slow-living moments that make us feel glad to be home and glad to be connected to family. A lot of people are sharing how they are connecting in deeper ways with their loved ones at home and online. And people are also spending time doing fun things like baking with their kids, doing art classes in online sessions, and so on.
Then, there is also the other side of the story.
This story is the story of people who are going through terrible suffering because of this disease, nurses and doctors on the frontline heroically taking care of patients, and people who are immunocompromised and scared they might get Coronavirus.
There is also the immense fallout as our economies shift and as people are furloughed and lose jobs.
And for those of us who have any trauma in the past, situations like these, even if we are okay in the moment, can trigger deep-seated fears. They shake roots that are not very stable to begin with. They shake our faith in how secure we are in the world. So, many of us are going through old anxieties and reexperiencing old fears.
We all have our own stories, our own contexts, our own good or half-developed support systems, our own traumas and wounds.
We all have different reasons for feeling the way we do right now.
So, if you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed or wanting to hide under a blanket or disillusioned or out-of-control, I just wanted to say it is okay to feel that way. It’s okay to let the pendulum swing. It’s okay to have these feelings.
Of course, we don’t want to marinate in our feelings. But it’s okay to feel fearful when there is uncertainty. It’s okay to feel sad when you hear stories of how this pandemic is bringing out the worst in some people just as it’s also bringing out the best. It’s okay to feel powerless and as if you are a little leaf being blown in this bigger storm we are all a part of.
It’s okay to feel shaky if something old comes up and gets triggered. And it’s okay to feel exasperated and frustrated that you are experiencing it again.
It’s okay to wish all this wasn’t happening.
It’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling, whether it is real panic or real connection.
I really wanted to say this. I have been seeing a lot of “This is an awakening” kind of posts in the past few weeks. And although I do agree with them on one level, I am not sure I completely agree.
I think, sometimes, new-age thinking glosses over the fact that although we are all connected, we are all also individuals.
Yes, it’s an awakening, if we choose it to be. Yes, it’s an awakening. But for whom?
For those who are really hit hard, for example, the poorest-of-the-poor around the world, I can’t honestly think that this pandemic feels anything like an awakening. I think it’s more like their very roots and sense of security is being cut off.
As someone who believes but also has doubts, is a seeker but also has questions, I don’t see how this is an awakening in this moment for people whose lives have been turned upside down — who have lost livelihoods, or the worst, lost someone close to them because of this disease.
Maybe, in time, they can give meaning to their experiences. Maybe, in time, they will not only heal but thrive.
But I think it’s way too easy for the rest of us who are not going through the worst to just frame this entire situation as an “awakening” in the world.
And if it is an awakening, it’s the rest of us who need to shoulder the task of questioning ourselves and questioning the systems around us. We need to be part of positive change.
So, if you are struggling right now, it’s okay that you are struggling to find any meaning in all of this. It’s okay that, in fact, it all feels terrible and hopeless and exhausting. There are a lot of things happening around the world right now that are terrible and hopeless and exhausting.
Imagine an ICU nurse who has to take care of one dying patient after the other. Let’s not pretend we know the spiritual meaning of what they are going through. Let’s not pretend that we would not feel exactly as they are feeling.
Who wouldn’t feel hopeless in such a situation? Who wouldn’t feel feelings of panic as many nurses in understaffed hospitals are feeling right now?
Of course, if your situation is different and you are feeling different feelings — greater appreciation for your family or a greater sense of connection — those are natural feelings too.
This pandemic has helped everyone slow down. It’s breaking things in a way that is showing us what’s really essential and what’s not. And we are catching glimpses of beauty, glimpses of the sacred, glimpses of illumination that are nudging us to reach out, helping us be vulnerable, helping us to take risks and connect.
So, if you have felt these precious feelings recently, that’s wonderful as well.
They are natural.
We are seeing our lives in stark relief. We have more clarity now.
So, I just wanted to say, whatever you are feeling, it’s okay. There is a reason for it. There’s both hopelessness and hope in the world. Things happen that we don’t know why they happen. I hope that you take care of your scared, vulnerable self, your precious wounds that might be hurting, your unrooted self that might be spinning out of control.
You deserve your love.
Take care, and much love. Ritu.
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