If you are anything like me, you have probably had some fear come up in the last few weeks. After all, we are in an uncertain situation with this pandemic. Here in California, we are under stay-at-home orders, which means we can only go out for essentials like grocery shopping.
It’s true that some fear is protective.
It helps us plan for the future, think about whether there’s danger ahead, and take precautions such as physically distancing ourselves and washing our hands for 20 seconds.
This is good fear.
But if you are anything like me, you’ve also felt some moments of paralyzing fear in the past few weeks. Those of us who struggle with anxiety or feeling safe and grounded can feel very out-of-control in a situation like this. We can feel a lot of old triggers & buttons getting pushed.
So, it’s important to have compassion for this little part of us, to give it structure, to nourish it with good food and uplifting words, to soothe it when it feels overwhelmed.
And as we do this, alongside, we have the opportunity to find the kernel of a gift in this chaotic situation. Once we have taken the necessary precautions and prepared as best as we can, there’s not a lot we can control. This can be hard for many of us, who often have made-up rules in our heads to keep ourselves safe.
But life is showing us that we can’t control everything. Life is showing us that we need to surrender. Being “perfect” doesn’t guarantee safety, and we have to let go of trying to control or predict everything.
So, what is in our control then?
One of the only things we can control is what we pay attention to. Limiting news-watching that only makes us feel helpless comes under that. And the second is how we frame our experience.
In the past few weeks, I have had a very interesting time. I have had some deep moments of fear where some past traumas have been triggered. I’ve literally felt shaken by the roots. BUT I have also had some moments when I have felt deep appreciation.
I have connected with several writer friends & other artists online. I did a couple of co-working sessions in the past week where we met up virtually to connect for a bit and then worked quietly together. I received a 30-minute free listening session offered by a writer I know and respect. And I talked on the phone with my family back home in India and chatted with my cousin in Canada.
I proactively reached out for connection and also found that many people around me were offering opportunities for connection. Maybe, some of this wouldn’t have happened before.
There’s a pulse of connection, a heightened need for community that we are all feeling right now.
And in a strange, or maybe not-so-strange way, even the shortage of some food items has made me feel a deeper appreciation for them. The fact that we didn’t find eggs the last time we ventured out to shop makes me feel a deeper appreciation for the last egg in my fridge.
I have had some real moments of slowing down, of appreciating things, of coming up with creative solutions. I have had to improvise while cooking and my husband has been experimenting with baking bread. I have also intentionally been making recipes from childhood that I don’t normally make and feeling these moments of delight and home in the creating.
I have felt some tangible moments of real peace in the last few weeks.
And so, I have been thinking about how the language we use affects our experience in this uncertain time.
What if instead of saying “social distancing,” we say that we are “finding new ways to connect?” This is not just verbal gymnastics but actually true. We are finding new ways to connect as many businesses take meetings online.
What is, instead of “social distancing,” we think that we are “practicing compassionate retreat?” This showed up in a meme I saw today. What a lovely way of framing what can feel restricting!
We are practicing compassionate retreat when we understand why we need to follow shelter-in-place or stay-at-home orders that are affecting so many of us. By staying away from people, we are thinking of those who are more vulnerable than us. Maybe, we wouldn’t get ill if we went out. But it’s highly likely that someone else would.
This “compassionate retreat” is something that is helping both us and everyone around us.
And instead of thinking that we are “stuck at home” and don’t have freedom, this situation is showing us how much freedom we do have in normal times.
It’s also showing us how to create a deeper connection to our homes, to the structure of routine that tethers us to our days.
I have had a few moments when shelter-in-place has felt like being in a cave, turning inwards. It’s been raining here in the Bay Area. There have been entire days when the world outside has felt as gloomy as the news. In fact, it has felt as gloomy as the fearful clouds of feelings swirling inside me.
But then, the sun came out one morning. We opened our balcony door to soak in the sunshine. And I felt a moment of real happiness. I felt grateful for this simple, taken-for-granted thing.
These moments of slow living, appreciation, and creativity have come because of turning inward and connecting intentionally. Our enforced shelter-in-place has felt like a time of homemaking, slowing down and noticing in some precious moments.
At certain moments, it has felt like creating a cave, nestling in a cocoon, and taking a pause.
There is still anxiety and worry. I have not miraculously evolved into something other than who I am. But there are also some truly good moments.
So, what if you thought of this time not in terms of loss of freedom, but an opportunity to dissolve inside a cocoon? What if you created an imaginal edge around your home and decided this was a time to hibernate?
What if you thought of this time as learning new ways to connect with a new web of people? OR what if showing up for these online events might be a way to practice boundaries, if that’s an area you struggle with?
There are many ways to think about this, depending on who you are and what you think. You can choose YOUR language, which is really your intention and which will nudge you to take action in that direction.
Do you want this to be an inward, cave-like time for you? Do you want this to be a creative, fruitful time? Do you want both more connection with like-minded people as well as more boundaries with people you were rescuing and fixing before?
What it is that you want? And what language will you choose to frame it?
In the end, the only things we can really control are our attention and our own intention and actions. Where do you want your attention to go? What intention do you want to act on?
It’s all up to you.
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