How to Stop Being “Too Nice!”

I am a recovering nice person. I say that only half-jokingly because being “too nice” can definitely be an addiction. “So, what’s the problem with nice?,” you might ask. Here’s what’s wrong.

Being “Too Nice” Invites Disrespect and Condones Boundary Breakers.

Well, nice manners or being thoughtful are, of course, good things. But “nice” often involves a lack of choice. If you are a nice person, you will feel almost compelled to be nice to people even when they are not good for you or good to you.

Being “too nice” often creates entanglements with mean people and people who tend to test and cross boundaries. That’s because nice people often carry that adage of “treat everyone how you want to be treated” a little too far.

We are too trusting about other people’s intentions. We are not discerning enough.

We shouldn’t be acting the same way with everyone or giving the same kind of energy to everybody. We need to have stronger guardrails up with people who display behaviors with red-flags.

If someone doesn’t listen to your No, discounts you verbally or talks over you, this is about who they are. Being nice to them and giving them repeated chances doesn’t change their reality. They either don’t respect you. Or they want to control you.

These are not the people to be nice to.

In fact, as someone who has suffered enough boundary violations from narcissistic people, I would say that having access to being a little “rude,” a little “mean” would have probably helped me guard against many resentments.

If we are “too nice,” we end up making excuses for bad behavior or not standing up to people who push us around.

And that doesn’t make us better people. It just makes us prone to getting taken advantage of. That just makes us victimized.

So, here are some tiny and some slightly bigger “not so nice” changes to think about if you are “too nice” (we don’t need to scare ourselves with huge shifts).

• Instead of giving indiscriminately, choose who you give to.
• Instead of thinking that it’s not “nice” to calculate what you give, actually think about who you give to and whether they give you that same energy back. If they don’t, you are probably not important enough to them. Thinking about reciprocity is not “unspiritual.” As human beings, we need love and support too. Think about energy as a system. If you are giving too much and not getting enough back, you’ll end up being drained and exhausted.
• When choosing places like restaurants to go to with friends, do things that both of you agree on. What you like is important. As nice people, we think (or make excuses) that little things don’t matter. But life is about the little things.
• Don’t be too available to everyone.
• Remember that boundaries do two things. One, they are the fence that protects your space (so this is in relationship to other people.) Two, they are containers that help you do your work. So, for example, recently, I have realized that I don’t want to be on social media every day. If I don’t reply to messages immediately, it’s not about using boundaries as a fence to ward off unwanted interactions. It is about using boundaries as a container so I don’t get distracted. It’s not about people. It’s about my own self. So, think about and write down both kinds of boundaries you need to have for yourself. Boundaries that are fences and those that are containers.
• Don’t be too open when meeting people for the first time. Take it slowly. Watch how they behave both with you and other people.
• Don’t ask too many questions to people who are not interested in you. As INFPs and INFJs, we are deeply and genuinely interested in people. We often end up being the listeners in relationships. But on the level of social interaction and if you are genuinely interested in making friends or having a relationship with someone, we need to have an equal energy exchange. We need to be with people who are as interested in us. Otherwise, it creates lopsided relationships.
• Don’t pretend to care more than you do.
• Don’t seemingly agree to ideas you don’t agree with. So, a lot of us keep quiet at times to avoid conflict or because we don’t want to get into arguments. As INFPs and INFJs, we are often non-confrontational. But keeping quiet to preserve “peace” can dilute how authentically we communicate our own self and show up in relationships. Recently, someone made a suggestion to me that I am going to try in tricky situations. Let’s say there’s a discussion about politics. Someone expresses a very strong liking for a politician you don’t agree with at all. You know that expressing yourself might cause an escalation (this person can become very argumentative), so you just keep quiet. Now, you’ve ended up going along or appearing to agree with something when you strongly disagree. But here’s something slightly different that we could do. We can say, “I am not a big fan of “blank.” or something similar. If the other person responds angrily, you can simply say “Let’s talk about something else. I don’t want to talk about politics.” I really liked this idea that we can express ourselves in one sentence, and then decide not to have an extended discussion around the subject. It sounds really simple, but it seems to have escaped me until now.

These are just some ways to think about being a little less “nice” and a lot more self-protective. As idealistic INFPs and INFJs who are also highly sensitive, having strong boundaries is essential for us. Being “too nice” can really trip us up.

Nice and kind are two very different things. I know from experience that “being too nice” can often just be a defensive strategy with which we control the world instead of an expression of our goodness as people.

So, what do you think? What boundaries might you set that protect your space as a highly sensitive person? What are some “not-so-nice” behaviors you might do that actually help you create and serve more?

If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments. I would love to hear any insights you have on this topic!

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it connects personal stories with practical tools to help highly sensitive people channel their gifts.

Ritu also works as a creativity coach for blocked writers.