As highly sensitive people, we are often very tuned in to other people’s feelings and emotions. Their moods affect us, and because our own boundaries feel permeable to these feelings, we can start to almost become an expert on other people’s feelings.
We often do this in an attempt to pre-empt these strong feelings and shape-shift our behavior so we don’t have to deal with feeling guilty or feel the full force of someone’s anger when we set a boundary.
Becoming healthy as a highly sensitive person has to do with first stopping this morphing ourselves into whatever pleases others. Second, it’s to turn our attention back to ourselves.
We might be an expert on some part of another person’s experience but we are often not an expert on our own self.
We don’t know or value our strengths. We internalize other people’s projections of sensitivity being a “weakness.” We are out of touch with our needs. Sometimes, we can’t track when we are getting drained or exhausted as we are being patient with others or listening and giving to them.
This has definitely been my experience as a highly sensitive person at different times. So, one of my intentions in the last couple of years has been to become an expert on myself and learn about my own self.
I am starting this new series of posts with this being the first one where I’ll talk about tools and techniques to get to know ourselves better as highly sensitive people and become an expert on ourselves.
Maybe, one of these posts will resonate with you.
One of the ways I have learned more about myself is by taking the Gallup CliftonStrengths assessment.
The Gallup CliftonStrengths assessment measures exactly what it says it measures — your strengths. But these are your strengths in 4 specific areas — strategic thinking, relationship-building, influencing, and executing. This assessment won’t measure things like artistic ability or whether you are good at math.
It will measure strengths like Communication (which is in the”influencing” domain), Harmony (a relationship-building strength), Analytical (a strategic thinking strength) and Consistency (in the Executing domain). There are a total of 34 strengths and the full assessment gives you all 34 of these strengths ranked for you.
So, if you have Communication as No. 1, that is your top-most strength and if you have Analytical as No. 34, that’s an area of weakness for you. For another person, this might be completely flipped over. They might be great at being analytical but communication might be a weakness for them.
The idea behind this assessment is that we grow most in our areas of strength, not in our areas of weakness. So, it’s really important to identify and work on our strengths. Of course, we need to manage weaknesses but our focus needs to always be on our strengths.
So, this is a paid test (You can find out more about the assessment here.)
My sister gave me and a bunch of other family members the basic version of the test (which tells you your top 5 strengths) as a holiday gift many years ago. She is an INFJ to my INFP, and we both love learning more about ourselves and the people around us. Of course, you can also call us nerds!
I got interested in this assessment again this year after I pulled out my report and saw that in the past few years, I have started doing a lot of the things that the test had recommended as action steps to hone my strengths.
Some of this was intentional. Some of this just happened because I have started being more of myself in the past few years. So, I naturally moved towards my strengths and started developing them more.
This felt really interesting. So, this year, as an investment in myself, I got the extended test, which gives you the entire 34 strengths given in the order that they apply to you.
Your top 5 strengths are areas where you truly shine.
The next 5 are also your strengths, ones you should focus on next after you have spent some time developing your top 5 strengths. You are supposed to navigate the middle and manage the areas that are at the bottom for you.
So, as an example, Empathy and Intellection (I am introspective, like to think about things and need considerable alone time to do this thinking) are two of my top 5 strengths while Competition and Communication are at the bottom for me. These are my areas of weaknesses.
You might be surprised to see communication at the bottom. This is about verbal communication. People with Communication as a top strength find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
That’s not me. I actually don’t like to be put on the spot when I am talking one-on-one with someone. If I know a lot about something (that’s Intellection there), then it’s easy for me to talk about it. BUT if I don’t, then I would rather just listen. I don’t find it easy to keep the conversation going in these situations.
If you know what your areas of strengths are, you can also see how you, yourself, like to function.
So, for people with Intellection as a strength, we like to prepare before having an important conversation or speaking at an event. This is what I did when I went for my first author panel discussion (a Question & Answer session with readers) recently. I thought in advance about what I was going to say.
It’s not that I ended up saying what I’d prepared word-for-word on that actual day. But thinking about what questions I might be asked by the audience members, thinking of my answers and so on, that helped me feel prepared.
That’s why people with Intellection don’t do so well with impromptu brainstorming sessions that some companies and organizations have. We like to go back and think on our own, and then we’ll have plenty of ideas.
But if someone expects us to just bounce off the energy of others, we’ll probably just shut down or keep quiet (unless we’ve already thought about it). My guess is that people who like this kind of brainstorming actually have a strength that is activated by being with a group.
Thinking about how Intellection applies to me has been so helpful.
I used to feel frustrated at one point because sometimes, I just can’t write short blog posts. And I used to think that was a disadvantage.
Isn’t material on the web supposed to be shorter to be more readable?
But now, I have started embracing this idea that Intellection, being introspective and someone who likes to think, is my strength.
The reason I go deeper and deeper into a topic is because I am adding nuances to it. Writing is not creating “sound-bytes.” So, now, I’ve just let myself go as deep or as detailed as I feel like when the blog post or an article I am writing demands it.
Weirdly (or not so weirdly), it’s easier for me to write at length than it is to write shorter posts. I mean, it does take more time but the process feels more natural.
In fact, it feels artificial to write short and snappy about a topic that is bringing up lots of thoughts in me. (Of course, if I am just sharing about an event I’ve discovered, I can do a short post but that’s different).
Thinking about this has also helped me see why I need alone time to think and why I am probably never going to be the kind of writer to come up with several books a year.
That’s okay. Intellection has its powerful gifts. Depth over speed.
I have seen this in my personal life as well. Intellection is a strength in the Strategic Thinking area. And I have used my thinking to help me zoom in on the blind spots of my empathy. Where I used to overgive to narcissistic and self-absorbed people in the past, thinking about my own part in the dance and stopping to make those moves has helped me steer clear of them.
Another great thing about this assessment is that not only does it tell you your top strengths, it also tells you that even strengths come with blind spots.
So, as an example, if you have Empathy as a top strength, you will also have blind spots around it. For example: Because you are so sensitive to people’s emotions, you have to be careful not to overstep a boundary when someone doesn’t want to share their feelings with you.
Because we can see someone else’s feelings so clearly, sometimes, as highly sensitive people, we can call these feelings out or make some unwanted remarks about them.
But unless someone has expressed those feelings or indicated they want to share it with us, this can leave people feeling emotionally naked. They might feel “too seen,” “too visible.” If they don’t have a close relationship with us, it’s understandable that they might not want this to happen.
It definitely changes their dynamics with us, doesn’t it?
I have been coming across this idea in other places as well (of how highly sensitive people and INFPs can actually intimidate other people), and I wrote about it in this post too where I talked about how we might unknowingly shame other people. I call these my Luna Lovegood moments when we, as highly sensitive people, talk about something energetic that is not apparent to other people, but because it’s so obvious to us, we say something about it but don’t realize how the other person might react to this unmasking.
Coming back to the Gallup CliftonStrengths assessment, this is a really cool test, which gives you an overall picture, even of your strengths and how, in some situations, your very strength can become excessive.
And it tells you about your weaknesses and why you might have certain issues with other people because a quality that is your weakest link might be their top strength.
For example: After doing this test and seeing that Competition was decidedly not my strength, I thought about how I often don’t feel so great when I am around people who are super-competitive.
I’ve had interactions where people are visibly competing or comparing themselves to me, and to me, it feels like they are trying to one-up (which I do think they are. That’s the essence of competitiveness).
So, if you have Competition as one of your top 5 or top 10 strengths, you are someone who revels in contests.
You like to come first place and also like to measure your progress against the performance of others. There’s nothing wrong with that per se. In fact, a lot of successful people are very competitive.
But for me, when I interact with someone who is high on Competition, I think it does bother me a lot.
When this competition is done aggressively, it feels very off-putting. And of course, no one likes it when they are getting the short end of the stick or feeling one-down.
The other thing is, because I am not competitive, I don’t know how to handle these interactions.
I think that two competitive people will probably get along better with each other than one competitive and one non-competitive person together.
When I watch people sparring with each other, trying to win at some game and not really affected in a negative way afterward, I think that is what’s happening. They are both competitive. Their energy is aligned. They like the back and forth and verbal sparring.
Understanding that being competitive is just not my thing, I have realized that what motivates other people just doesn’t motivate me. When I was younger, I have definitely tried to be competitive (and failed miserably).
Being competitive felt like such a value when I was growing up in India. There are so many people competing for jobs and the like, and not everyone can come out on the top.
So, I kind of tried to be like that. But I have to say I didn’t succeed at all.
Now, I know why. It’s just not who I am.
Of course, I knew about this and sensed it in myself, but seeing it written out in black and white feels much stronger somehow.
Now, I can see that I can’t excel by being competitive. I can only excel by being who I am.
So, one of my Top 5 strengths is Connectedness, which is a relationship-building strength.
Why can’t that help me succeed as much or even more than trying to be competitive? (in my own definition of success).
And maybe, I shouldn’t take the fact that people are competitive so personally. It’s about what they value. And obviously, if that’s your strength, being competitive will work for you.
But if that is an area that’s not my thing, then my tribe are the people who have a similar way of looking at the world as I do, not the ones who are very competition-focused. Although complementary strengths can also work at times in some situations, I don’t think it’s healthy to be around people who don’t value what you value all the time.
When I was younger, I was often around people who only valued the first prize, who only valued the achievement that someone else grants you. And because they couldn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, I internalized feelings of being “less than.”
But the thing is, my strengths are my unique packet of strengths.
Just because they are not obvious or clear to others, doesn’t depreciate their value. It doesn’t mean I should start trying to convert myself into someone else. Instead, my challenge is to deepen and use my own strengths better.
And of course, the same goes for everyone.
We all have different values, a different worldview, a different definition of success.
That’s the reason we all need our tribe as highly sensitive people, people who get us, who understand where we are coming from, who are searching for the same thing that we are searching for and who value what we value.
Another thing I want to emphasize is this – even if you can’t take this test (maybe, you don’t have the budget for it or you have other priorities), the thing is, if you let yourself do what comes naturally, what you enjoy doing, and what’s a talent that comes naturally to you, you will deepen and strengthen your talents.
In the last few years, I have organically used Intellection without thinking that was what I was doing.
But the test definitely has great value, and I would highly recommend doing it or budgeting for it, especially if you are at a crucial point in your life. In case you are looking to shift careers or are in your 20s feeling as if you can’t figure yourself out, this is a wonderful place to get more self-knowledge and understand what makes you tick and how you do things.
So, one of the suggestions that the test recommends to deepen Intellection is to take the time to write. This can help crystallize and integrate your thoughts. People with Intellection are also advised to make a list of our best ideas and refer to them often. Revisiting our thoughts can give us valuable insights.
As a writer, I already write. BUT this a different kind of writing. It’s writing to think and integrate. I don’t do this often enough, but when I do it, ideas flow. This also happens sometimes when I am writing blog posts.
Sometimes, I don’t know what I am thinking until I start writing and then, an insight comes and the thought becomes crystal-clear.
It’s like this energy is inside me and the way to give it form is through physical movement, by grounding it, by integrating in my body.
So, writing as a way of thinking is something I want to do more from now on.
So, as you can see, there are so many wonderful things that I have learned about myself by doing this assessment. I have learned about my natural strengths and how that makes me who I am. I have learned why other people’s process doesn’t work for me. I have also learned to see the shadow aspects of my strengths.
In our world today, we focus too much on weaknesses. A child will bring home a report card and the parent might focus on what they are not doing right. But what if they focused on the subjects where the child got an A or A+?
A child who is doing well in Math will benefit from learning even more about Math if that’s a true passion. A child who gets great grades in English might come to understand that they have the exact skills needed to be great researchers or journalists.
In the same way, if we focus on the strengths that we have in the areas that the Gallup CliftonStrengths assessment focuses on, we will grow exponentially. This is where our greatest potential is.
Think of you strengths as unpolished diamonds inside you. This test shows you how to identify those diamonds (they might not look too brilliant in their rough form or if you are stuck in a blind spot) and polish them.
I would highly recommend this test. Go here to take the assessment and find out more about it. It’s definitely helped me have more insight into myself. It might help you as well!
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it combines personal stories with practical insights to give highly sensitive people more tools to channel their gifts.
Leave a Reply