Have you ever felt hopelessly stuck as an INFP or INFJ writer? When you look online, you find “writing rules” that don’t feel right to you but that people state with so much confidence that you feel like you have to follow them.
Do you feel as if there’s something terribly wrong with you because what’s working so well for everyone else just isn’t working for you?
This is how I felt for many years. When I looked online as an intuitive INFP writer, I unknowingly internalized rigid rules. I felt paralyzed by the “plotting” versus “pantsing” camps that seemed to divide writers into two distinct groups.
But I felt like I was neither a plotter nor a pure pantser as an INFP writer.
As an intuitive INFP writer, plotting an entire book in advance and following through on this plan felt almost impossible to me. It also felt like this would kill the entire fun of the process for me.
Wasn’t the juice in the discovery, in the finding out?
But on the other hand, I felt like I wasn’t a pure pantser either.
Although I had plenty of ideas, I didn’t have the confidence that simply flying by the seat of my pants would help those ideas form into a coherent shape.
This felt too unstructured, too out-of-control to me.
And so, I was stuck.
I liked some structure. But not too much.
I wanted to write for the joy of making things up. But I was scared that I would get lost in the process.
And when I felt like this, I also felt that there was something terribly wrong with me.
It felt as if I was this uneven shape that couldn’t fit into the square peg or the round hole. I kept on trying to make myself into what I imagined a real writer was, but because I kept failing when I tried to copy others, I felt this terrible shame about myself.
It didn’t occur to me that maybe, I was unique.
It didn’t occur to me that just because writers are similar people, it does not mean that we are the same.
Instead, that same old story of INFP angst at not belonging, not being right for the world, not being okay started playing when I felt this paralysis.
I had always been told I was “too sensitive,” “too thin-skinned,” “too emotional.” What I got from these messages was that I needed to change, that I wasn’t okay as I was, that I needed to turn myself into someone totally different in order to “do things right,” in order to belong.
And now, the same thing felt true for my writing as an intuitive INFP writer.
Again, I felt as if I was all wrong, that I couldn’t find a place to fit in as a writer. I didn’t see that there is something wrong in trying to stuff your unique self into a box.
That’s approaching the whole process upside down.
Over the last decade, I have made a journey back to my own self and so, also to my real writing self.
Now, I know that no writer is a pure pantser or plotter. Each one of us is a unique combination of the two.
But I am not a big fan of the word “pantsing” itself, a word that felt closer to me than “plotter” ever did.
Even though I am intuitive and the very reason I write as an INFP writer is to discover something new, I don’t always fly by the seat of my pants. Tufts of ideas come to me easily but to pull them out takes a lot of thought.
For me, writing starts not with putting pen on paper, but with thinking.
For the past few months, for example, I have been thinking about this story I want to write. I had an image of my heroine pop up in my head, and I kind of know a little about who she is.
I have always wanted to write fantasy but I still don’t see clearly what kind of world this character might live in.
The kind of books I love and the kind that I feel a kinship to as a writer are fables like The Little Prince or classic tales like The Ugly Duckling or magical ones like the Harry Potter series (lots of online places type J.K.Rowling as an INFP writer).
So, I have been thinking and mulling over my idea.
Of course, I am also a little hesitant because this will be my first book of fiction. I have written short stories before but a full-fledged book feels like a different creature.
It feels more full of possibilities, more full of pitfalls.
Then, the second project I have been thinking about is a book on emotions. I want to write a book for emotionally sensitive people. I have been thinking of exactly what form the book will take. I have also been thinking about what I can say that might be helpful to someone else.
I have finally decided on a workbook with questions that might help people think of emotions in interesting ways.
So, as you see, there’s a lot of thinking and feeling things out before I begin taking action.
This has frustrated me in the past because sometimes, just do it just doesn’t work for me.
And sometimes, it does.
With The Empath’s Journey, once I had decided I was going to write this book around high sensitivity even though it felt so emotionally vulnerable, I definitely just did it when I wrote on the days when I felt completely uninspired.
, once I had decided I was going to write this book around high sensitivity even though it felt so emotionally vulnerable, I definitely just did it when I wrote on the days when I felt completely uninspired.
And funnily enough, once I started, inspiration often came. Words started flowing.
So, you do have to take action. You do have to commit.
But before you make this commitment to a project, if you are a writer like me, you will want to play, free write, read about related topics, explore and think about what you want to write about.
So, as an INFP writer, writing begins for me with thinking, not with writing the first draft.
I like to research the topic, find interesting tidbits so I can throw them in the compost heap of my mind and have them break down and fertilize in the background.
I also like doing writing prompts by hand, just freewriting for 10 or 15 minutes.
I can’t just sit down and start writing a book.
I think, for my fiction book, I will start by taking images and writing about them. For example, I have been thinking about snakes as a symbol or a character or something in my story. So, I will write about them.
The symbol of the snake has been coming up for me a lot in the past few years. In The Empath’s Journey, I talk about how during a time when I was feeling like a snake shedding its old skin, Rohit and I also synchronistically went to see the ancient Mayan temple of Kukulcan, the feathered-serpent deity, in Mexico.
I have also had nightmares with snakes in them.
For me, snakes are these weird things that I find both scary but that I feel also stand for powerful energy.
I feel a strange connection with them, like Harry with his ability to speak in Parseltongue.
When I was having these dreams with snakes a few years ago, I also went to a science center to try out a shamanic idea of touching and engaging with a symbol that was speaking to you.
So, with a bunch of little children, I stood in line to pet a tiny green snake.
It didn’t feel at all like the slimy things that I’d always imagined snakes as being. It almost felt like touching a jewel.
It was so cool to the touch.
And this particular snake was actually pretty cute.
So, I have this story in my mind with a heroine and a world full of wild creatures, including snakes. I am thinking of creating a bunch of prompts around this for myself and free-writing and seeing where it leads me.
It feels scary and exciting at the same time.
This is another thing I have figured out after writing The Empath’s Journey.
I think I need to have a couple of different projects going at the same time. That way, when I feel exhausted by one kind of project, I can move to a different one for a bit.
I wish I had done that when I was writing The Empath’s Journey because there were times during the last few drafts when I was reshaping the same material again and again when I felt very drained of creative energy.
I think having a second project in a more exciting, less laborious stage would have balanced out my energy. So, I have definitely figured a little bit more about my own process through doing it.
I have also learned that I need to read, research, play, think and loosely explore before sitting down to write the actual thing.
I have discovered that this thinking, while it slows me down, is also my strength.
I did the extended Gallup CliftonStrengths Test recently (it measures not your artistic talents, but strengths in thinking, feeling and relational areas.)
My top strength is Intellection, which tells me that I am a person who likes to think. That’s why Just Do It has never worked for me until I have consciously thought and decided why I need to just do it.
I am the kind of person who thinks before they leap.
That’s fine. That’s my style.
This means that I am never going to be the kind of person who churns out several books a year. It means that my pace will be slower at times. It also means that I need a lot of alone time to think.
But this strength also balances out one of my other top strengths, Empathy.
As Carl Jung says, anything substantial throws out a shadow. So, for strengths, it means that anything that is your strength also has its blind spots.
For me, empathy has been very problematic that way.
In the past, I have sometimes gotten entangled with people because I have been naive and too empathetic when I should have maintained my distance.
But these other strengths like Intellection balance out my Empathy.
First of all, Empathy means moving towards people while Intellection is about being introspective and spending time alone.
Second, my Intellection can help me channel my Empathy in balanced ways. I have thought a lot about why narcissistic people used to be “attracted to me” and then decided that the attraction was also because of a lack of boundaries on my part and not just a function of empathy.
Now, when I feel something iffy about someone or feel wary around their energy, I monitor the steps of my own dance. I don’t do what I used to do earlier.
So, these very different strengths – these parts of me that I have always been very aware of, one part that is decidedly a relationship-oriented person, and the other which is very intellectual are not really at odds with each other.
They are complimentary.
Instead of fighting my intellectual side and trying to always be the connector because I feel like I have to be one thing, I can now let myself go deep with my thinking and see that a healthy distance is as important in relationships as empathy and coming together.
It’s the same with your writing as an INFP writer.
If you feel like there are these two impossible parts of you, these two separate people inside that can’t be put into a box, it’s most probably not that they are fighting inside you, but that you are fighting one of them.
Let’s say, NaNoWriMo hasn’t worked for you. Like me, you might not have realized why. If thinking is your first step in the writing process, then writing 50,000 words when you still haven’t thought about the idea enough will paralyze you.
But if as an intuitive, thinking INFP or INFJ writer, you have been mulling over something for a while and NaNoWriMo feels exciting to you because you are ready to begin, then you can go for it.
But if you are an intuitive writer, you are most probably not going to be someone who has a detailed plan when you begin NaNoWriMo. You won’t have broken down your scenes. You probably won’t have detailed character studies.
Most likely, you will just have your seed and then you will plant the seed and water it. You will help it grow.
You will discover what you want to write as you are writing it.
An energy is coming through you.
Our job as intuitive INFP and INFJ writers is to have faith and let this creative energy come through.
Our job is to understand our own process and acknowledge its strengths.
Maybe, you won’t have speed. Maybe, you will have quality.
And maybe, what you feel is wrong with you is exactly the thing that is right with you. You might have been comparing your weaknesses to other people’s strengths and not acknowledging your own strengths enough.
If creating a detailed plan to execute a book feels right to another writer, that is their strength. We can never pit our weaknesses against someone’s strengths and then expect that we’ll do well.
What we need to do is focus on our strengths. That will shift the weight.
Then, instead of feeling shame as INFP writers that we are not enough because we are kooky or weird or like to discover instead of plan, we’ll instead see how these qualities associated with discovery and feeling things out are also our strengths.
Not wanting to plot is not a moral failure.
It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not something that is a weakness.
If you hate to stick to a plan but still need structure, you could also write an outline, start writing and then throw away the outline as soon as it feels constricting.
If you get bored easily, you can have a few projects going but consciously decide which one is on the back-burner and which one is a priority. If you want to make a dent in one, you can bring it out during NaNoWriMo.
You don’t have to fit your unique self into a standard approach.
This is creativity. YOU get to make the rules.
The rules are there to serve you in your journey as an INFP writer.
They are not there to become chains to flog ourselves with or to let others use against us.
If you feel that a writing group doesn’t serve you, then leave. If you feel that harsh critique is breaking your spirit, find someone who can give you feedback with kindness.
Your artistic self deserves it.
Because creating is not like any other job. Artists often tell secrets, of one kind or another. And if we were shamed as children when we expressed our authentic self and told a truth that others didn’t want to hear, then expressing that truth in artistic form will bring up that same shame.
It will bring up fear — of being abandoned, rejected, laughed at.
Who do you think you are?
So, it’s your responsibility to take care of that wounded, vulnerable part inside and only entrust it to friends, coaches, and mentors who will hold it with love and not wound it even more.
Wounds need care, not condemnation.
And once you have put a bandage on your creative wound, you will find that you can move with more freedom.
Maybe, that shame that hounded you was a shame that was projected onto you because you are the kind of person who sees so clearly.
Not everyone likes to be seen.
Maybe, it was about getting you to not say the truth so the status quo would not be challenged.
Maybe, your intense feelings triggered your parents or teachers in childhood not because there was something wrong with you, but because they had unhealed parts of themselves and they didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
Maybe, now, it’s time to keep aside the shame, put it into perspective and follow your own path, into your own true self.
And maybe, now, it’s time to see that the other side of shame and doubt is faith and that we can, as artistes, take one believing step after another in the dark.
After all, paths are made by walking and the artistic path is maybe just like any other path of faith, where you take one step after the other, and your walking helps the entire path unfold in front of you.
That’s what I am feeling right now.
Maybe, underneath all my doubts as an artiste, as a writer, is a call to greater trust, both in myself and in the world around me.
What might you find when you surrender that doubt and take that action that’s embedded deep in your soul?
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it combines personal stories with practical insights to give highly sensitive people more tools to channel their gifts.
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