The Life-Changing Magic of Being “Enough.”

Enough has been coming up for me a lot in the past few months. What’s enough? How do I feel enough? How will I ever be happy if I am always striving and never doing and being enough?

This came up for me recently when I went to my first author fair. Each author had a table with their books displayed and could talk to readers and sell their books. After the fair got over, there was also a Q&A discussion with a selected group.

There were around 25 or so authors participating. I also got selected to be part of the panel discussion afterward.

But once I knew who else was on the panel, my mind was again in comparison mode. There were people who had written several books. There were people who had won multiple awards.

It really brought up my feelings of not being enough.

For a couple of days before the event, I felt very ungrounded. I kept on dropping things. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my body and into the moment ahead.

I also felt a need to do this perfectly. I needed to have a great table display, talk articulately with any potential reader who stopped by, connect with fellow authors AND convey my message perfectly in the Q&A discussion.

And yet, I was also feeling very vulnerable. This was going to be my first in-person event. I was okay with talking with strangers but having to do it for a book about being highly sensitive was freaking me out.

You see, all my life, I have tried to be as “normal” as possible. So, this felt like opening up some big secret and a little bit like I was throwing myself to the wolves. In many ways, The Empath’s Journey is my “coming out” book as a highly sensitive person. It’s me declaring who I am underneath the persona of “just like everyone else.“

So, I was on edge for the few days leading up to the fair.

And I almost wished that they hadn’t chosen me for the Q&A discussion. I was really getting nervous about that.

But I have decided to say Yes to any opportunity that comes up, so I didn’t back out. I thought of how I would answer any questions and prepared a little bit (I always do better when I am prepared.)

I had also decided that I care about beauty and whether other people did it or not, I wanted a pretty table display. So, I got a matching blue tablecloth, put my bookmarks in a tiny tray I already had with the image of a Van Gogh painting on it, and put my cash in a pretty box with Imagine written on it.

These were little things. But they were also things that told me that I was important and that I could do this my way.

But the most valuable thing I did was to tell myself what enough was in this situation.

I decided that even if I bombed at the Q&A (as I was imagining I would) and even if I did not do all the things I was telling myself I should do, simply showing up with my book was enough.

Even if I didn’t do this perfectly, I would love myself afterward.

This is something I have been trying to practice as a recovering perfectionist. Sometimes, I have such elaborate criteria for succeeding that I often don’t get that feeling of achievement when I do attempt things.

If I don’t do everything, I feel like I have done nothing.

Perfectionism really is the pursuit of the worst in ourselves, as Julia Cameron says. It’s not about excellence. It’s not about practicing.

It’s about trying to do it perfectly the first time around. It’s about not letting ourselves be human, make mistakes and learn from them.

And the thing is, I did end up making some “mistakes” during the fair.

I was in my social introvert mode, which for me means being positive and upbeat. So, while I was in this mode (I had talked to a bunch of other authors before the fair began), I was a little too positive when I was speaking with someone who actually bought a copy of my book.

While I was signing the book for him, I smilingly asked him whether he was highly sensitive and he said something to the effect that he had buried that part of himself.

He looked as if something precious had been torn from him. He seemed genuinely distraught. But I was in such a different mode that I didn’t answer back as I should have. I went a bit mute and smiley.

I have felt pangs of regret about this in the last few days. I really wish I had empathized properly with him.

Because I have been exactly where I think he was. Because even now, I feel those feelings from time to time. Those buried parts of my sensitivity, those buried parts of my self.

I will have to forgive myself for this misstep. And I hope that my book does connect with him even though, in that moment, I didn’t.

Hopefully, next time, I will do better. Hopefully, I will be more present. Hopefully, I will wear my persona more lightly.

This brought back memories of the times when someone else has been too positive with me when I didn’t feel that positivity myself and instead longed to be seen and mirrored back.

And now, I had unconsciously done the same thing to someone else.

I can’t change this. I can only pray that the book connects with him.

Apart from this, I made a couple of other missteps as well. My husband, Rohit was there and he told me that I was getting too technical at times. With some people, I started talking about Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), the temperament trait behind being highly sensitive, when they stopped by at my table. In the Q&A afterward, I also repeated myself and rambled on a bit.

But overall, I think I did well. I talked to lots of readers who came by including a lovely lady who herself was an HSP and pointed out something that would make my table look better in a very kind way (that’s HSPs for you – thoughtful and considerate). I sold some books and got some newsletter signups. I did not freeze in the Q&A session and Rohit even told me that I was very professional.

A fellow author whose table was next to mine told me they would never have guessed I was an introvert (they, themselves were an ambivert). We talked a bit about Susan Cain and what introversion really means and how Rohit and I were so different even though we are both introverts (He is an INTJ to my INFP).

I also connected with several other local Bay Area authors and got some helpful insights and pointers (I will do another post about some of the great people I met).

All in all, it turned out to be a successful event.

I connected. I expressed myself. I learned.

It felt like I had grown a lot from last year when I went to this same event as a reader and wondered whether I would ever feel comfortable doing it myself.

But it turned out I had grown into it. It felt relatively easy to talk to the people who walked by. It felt like I had leveled up.

But the most important thing is that this time, even though all the old “not good enough” feelings still came, I reminded myself that I was enough even if I didn’t do things perfectly. I reminded myself that I was enough even though these feelings had shown up again.

I was enough because I was putting myself out there, saying Yes to practicing what I want to communicate and getting out of my comfort zone.

This time, I spoke to myself a little more kindly. This time, I gave myself permission to make mistakes so I could learn and grow from them.

I have been thinking a lot about enough.

I don’t think winning any award or making more sales will give me that feeling. That feeling is a practice that I need to do. That feeling is about untangling the insidious beliefs that sometimes wrap against my self.

The thing is, either I am enough right now, just as I am. Or I am never going to be enough.

No matter what I do. No matter what I achieve.

Enough. I think that’s what we are looking for, isn’t it? Enough. That feeling of contentment, of being at peace with yourself. Enough. That sense of being full in yourself and then meeting the world from there.

So, let’s practice being enough. Let’s practice feeling enough. Let’s practice having enough.

I know it doesn’t come easy to some of us. But it is definitely within our control to start moving towards it.

You and I. We are both enough. We know enough. We do enough.

What might happen if we feel this feeling more and more and then move into the world with it? What all might we attempt if we were not doubting our own enoughness?

What if everything we desire to get is only just an addition to who we already are and that feeling we really want is already inside us?

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it combines personal stories with practical insights to give highly sensitive people more tools to channel their gifts.