Interview with Alie Harwood, Holistic Wellness & Confidence Coach!

This week, we welcome Alie Harwood, fellow INFP and highly sensitive person! Alie is a Holistic Wellness and Confidence Coach.

Her work helps shy introverted women break free from overthinking & self-judgment so they can feel comfortable in their own skin & express their authentic self in the world.   

I am so excited to have Alie here. We talk about what self-confidence looks like for introverted women, INFP intuition, the fact that we both don’t subscribe to stereotypical definitions of introverts, and much more in this conversation.

Without further ado, let’s begin!  

Ritu: Welcome to the blog, Alie! It’s great to have you here! I know you are a fellow INFP and HSP. Can you tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your journey until now? For those who might not be aware of how a Holistic Wellness & Confidence Coach can help them, could you talk about your work and your experiences with previous clients?

What I found refreshing about you and your work is that it connects the mind, the body, and the soul. Often, people will look at problems only from one level. But your work, just like the challenges we face as introverted women, is many-layered and comes at overwhelming problems from many different angles. 

Alie: Hi Ritu! Thank you for inviting me here! As I’m sure is the case for many of us introverts and HSPs, embracing those parts of me came much later on in my journey. I lived my teenage years and early twenties very much inside my head, privately struggling with low self-worth and confidence.

This was largely tied to the shame I felt towards my introverted nature. I was extremely self-conscious of my appearance, my words and my behaviour, always assuming that people were judging me and only seeing my imperfections, just as I did. I had great friends and still have lots of good memories but it was difficult for me to be my true self – in hindsight, I can see that I lost touch with who she was.

The first turning point for me came very unexpectedly after reading an inspiring true story that really resonated with me; I discovered that I was holding onto suppressed resentment towards my Dad. Through following a powerful process to release this resentment, I experienced the true power of forgiveness in that I was releasing myself of pain.

From this point onward, I entered a journey of self-discovery, self-care and personal growth where I soon realised that the thoughts, emotions and beliefs we hold inside not only influence our whole wellbeing but are also within our control.

I had studied speech and language therapy at university, but soon after starting my first job as a speech therapist, I knew that something was missing. I took the time to really reflect on my true passions, values and skills and it was through this that I realised how much I loved the field of holistic health and wellness as well as personal development, and in particular, how much I loved to relate to the people I talk to and support.

So when I discovered the field of wellness coaching and found an online training programme, it felt like an epiphany! 

The work I do now as a Holistic Wellness and Confidence Coach reflects the steps I took in my own journey. I understood firsthand how low-self worth (and therefore low self-confidence) affected all areas of my life and all parts of my being. I was therefore inspired to create a programme that covers 6 core steps: letting go of the past by releasing suppressed emotions; identifying and transforming limiting thoughts and beliefs into ones that are empowering and reflect your true best self; cultivating self-love and acceptance; honouring your body through physical self-care; finding your voice and taking responsibility for your part in creating fulfilling relationships; and connecting with your purpose, passion and true potential.

As my clients grow their awareness, knowledge and practice throughout these steps, I also guide them to realise that these steps are part of an ongoing practice and commitment as they evolve through life.

Ritu: That sounds amazing Alie! That’s a very thoughtful, holistic process to take care of and express our authentic selves. I also wanted to also ask you – What beliefs do you think shy introverted women have that often hold them back?

You talk in your blog about how labels can become part of our identity and really hurt us. As someone who was called “shy” repeatedly as a child, I completely agree with that. I believed that I was “shy” for years and it really held me back. Looking back, I can see that I was exhibiting a lot of behaviors that are common with highly sensitive children. For example: Highly sensitive kids like to hang back and assess situations before joining in unlike more exuberant kids.

They are also naturally more cautious. I think a lot of these behaviors get lumped into “shy” and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What common faulty beliefs do you see amongst your clientele? What do you think confidence feels and looks like for introverted women? 

Alie: Some of the most common limiting beliefs I see among my clients are: “I am not good enough”(to receive love and acceptance from themselves nor from others)”; “I am not interesting enough’ (to talk about themselves or contribute to the conversation)“; “If I share my opinions, ideas or feelings, I’ll get judged/rejected/mess up” and “Everyone else finds it easy to be confident and authentic except me.” 

I love your last question because I think what confidence feels like for introverted women and what it typically looks like from the outside are 2 different things. I believe confidence for introverted women feels like an inner sense of peace with who they are; a healthy holistic perspective of both their strengths and weaknesses, a willingness (and often courage) to express themselves when they feel the urge to; and a sense of belief and trust in their desires, abilities and decisions, despite the accompanying fears!

Ritu: That is so true. Self-love and self-acceptance and then expressing our authentic self in the world is what our kind of confidence is all about! 

I also enjoyed reading your blog post about how we are more than one thing and how important it is for us to be aware of assumptions/inferences that people and online personality tests might be making about us. 

You talk about how although you are a decided introvert who needs a lot of alone time, you are also other things that don’t fit into the classic “introvert locked away in a room” description. For example: You’ve travelled for a few weeks alone in Australia; You moved to a brand new country and culture; You’ve sung in a hotel bar and at a friend’s birthday party; You’ve done live videos on Facebook, and so much more. 

I definitely resonated with this. I have done tandem paragliding, travelled on my own, and in my writing, often write about things that are personal and vulnerable (My book The Empath’s Journey is a memoir that talks about redefining my relationship with my sensitivity.)

I also think that being an introvert has helped me at times. For example: It helped me when I first moved from India to the States and was feeling very lonely. I could face that loneliness because I am okay with spending time alone. 

Could you talk about your own experiences with moving to a different country and culture? How has being an introvert, an INFP and a highly sensitive person shaped that experience? What have you learned about yourself through these experiences? 

Alie: Sure! Although I’ve always loved travelling to new places with my family, I’ve always been a “home girl” as home has generally been a source of safety, comfort and a place where I can do my own thing alone, or be with my family.

So when I was presented with the opportunity to move to a new country and culture (which was not part of my original plan!), it took some research and processing time, along with some encouragement from others before I decided that I would go, primarily for the experience and as an opportunity to grow personally.

I feel very fortunate that I was quickly introduced to a great group of people, who I proceeded to meet up with every weekend. Since I was living alone, this was an ideal balance for me – I was never lonely, yet I had my own space to come back to and recharge. 

As an introvert in a brand new place, doing new things on my own such as driving on the other side of the road (and navigating the roads!); finding my way around the shops and making medical appointments felt daunting.

However, accomplishing these things and overcoming the fears has been so rewarding! At the same time as learning and growing independently, I’ve also learnt the value of asking for help or receiving it when offered, instead of trying to work out everything on my own.

Identifying as an HSP has been a relatively recent thing for me. When I first heard the term “highly sensitive,” I thought it meant being highly (and outwardly) emotional and therefore not applicable to me. However, after researching more about it and after becoming more aware and in tune with my body, I began to make clear connections to myself.

I noticed that listening to a colleague repeatedly complain was very draining for me, and how other people’s moods influenced me; I realised that I hated loud noises and bright artificial lights and that my body was more sensitive to alcohol, coffee, and certain foods. Having this awareness has helped me better understand how I interact with others and the environment and has empowered me to respect my body much more.

Ritu: That sounds wonderful. Once we make the connections for ourselves about how being highly sensitive impacts us, we can take so much better care of ourselves.

So, for me, the process of coming back to myself and being authentically myself has also meant learning to listen to my intuition. I feel like I’ve always had great intuition, but throughout my 20s, I would just override anything that didn’t feel “rational” to my critical mind.

As an INFP who approaches the world primarily through feeling, that was my own special kind of hell. It was as if my body knew things, but then, I abandoned that knowing because I was schooled in all things rational and logical. The process of returning back to myself has been about letting myself follow my intuitive nudgings. 

Of course, there is also a flip side. There are also situations in which my INFP Extraverted Intuition (Ne) branches off into too-many-possibilities and makes it hard for me to close down my options & simply choose. This was definitely one of my problems as a younger INFP! I never wanted to close down an option. 

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that sometimes, you do need to close down options and make a decision. Throwing my hat over the fence is good for me as an INFP and helps me break out of that cycle of deciding & not-deciding. So, I have definitely gotten a lot better at this. BUT I do still struggle with at times.   

What do you think about this? What’s your relationship with your intuition? Do you trust it more or less as you grow older? Are there any “tells” that indicate that you are on the right track? How do you deal with the endless possibilities of INFP intuition? 

Alie:  I can definitely relate! For the most part, I feel like I’ve been out of touch with my intuition as I have very easily let my mind take over and go back and forth over my options, which, just like you described, I never wanted to close down!

To add to that, I’ve always loved to seek out all my options first and to then narrow down. This can be useful e.g. being thorough in my research, and it can be enjoyable e.g. watching all the trailers to potential movies I will watch on a flight before choosing one, but it’s also very time consuming and can be mentally draining and frustrating!

Listening to and trusting my intuition can still be a struggle for me today, but it’s something I am consciously working on through meditations as well as developing my ‘psychic’ abilities through courses and Youtube videos.

An example of this involves having a conversation with my heart or Higher Self out loud and also being open and receptive to other ways in which I may receive messages. My experiences so far have been subtle but quite powerful. I’m fascinated by the energy/spirit world and the endless possibilities there are! This is one area where I really appreciate my open-mindedness 🙂 

A funny example of a “tell” that I was on the right track is when I first came across my wellness coaching programme online; the questions on the website felt like they were speaking to me and I almost cried! That’s how I knew I had to take that path.

And yet, I then went on to spend several months comparing that programme with another, trying to decide which one to take! I kept asking other people for their opinion too, which in hindsight, wasn’t very wise as it was clearly something that needed to come from me.

Another example is when my now-husband first proposed to me. I could see our future together and I was excited about it but I had not expected him to ask me at that point so I was very surprised! I explained to him how I felt and told him to keep the ring. All I knew was that I needed a bit more time until I reached the point where I could confidently say YES! And 17 weeks later, I did! I was so glad that I listened to myself. 

In my experience, sometimes the signs are obvious e.g. tears, chills, butterflies in my chest, feeling lit up when I think about something, and other times, I have needed time to ride out the emotions.

With regards to being stuck in indecision, especially when you see equal pros and cons on both sides, I’ve found that sometimes it’s a matter of just choosing and then learning from that decision. In this way, we can come to accept that there’s no such thing as a “wrong” decision, it’s simply an act from which we always learn something. 

Ritu: Yes, I know what you mean! Sometimes, you have to choose and build up that knowledge and experience of your own self so that next time you can choose more easily.

I also really enjoyed how you talk about embracing opposites. In life, depending on the situation, sometimes completely paradoxical views are true. For example: You talk about how you believe in both “Plan and prepare and Go with the flow.” and in “Set goals and Embrace the journey.”

What do these look like in action for you? As an INFP, I feel like sometimes, I go a little too much with the flow and don’t plan well. It’s also true that I do better in almost everything I do when I am prepared. 

Alie: Yes, becoming aware of these paradoxical truths and giving myself permission to embrace both sides has been very relieving. For me, I love to reflect on and write down my intentions, desires and goals but I don’t tend to have specific plans or dates for them as that feels too rigid; I decide on the day which action I’m going to take, but I am always learning about and working on something!).

Similarly, I like having a morning routine which involves some form of movement, meditation and sometimes journaling but these will look different every day so I don’t get bored! I also love to write down my to do list for the day, as I like to check things off. However, when I post on social media or write an email to my audience, it’s typically inspired by what feels relevant to me that day as opposed to planning ahead.

I really enjoy free-flow movement and dancing which I am embracing more and more these days. It allows me to express myself without planning, thinking or words as well as to tap into my creative, playful and sensual side.

Ritu: Ooh, that’s lovely, Alie. There’s nothing like free-form dance to really express ourselves.

You also talk about the scarcity versus abundance mindset in a really interesting way (It applies to more than just money). This has been coming up for me a lot as I learn to share and market my book. Recently, I did a giveaway of my book where I teamed up with a couple of other authors and we all gave away our books for free for a limited time. 

Before this began, I got in touch with a couple of other writer friends to see if they might be interested in joining. But they weren’t. This caused me to really doubt myself and whether this was a good idea in the first place. 

Of course, this was a new area for me, so some of my lack of confidence stemmed from that. But for a bit, it also felt paralyzing, as if I “wasn’t enough,” “didn’t know enough” or “was making a mistake” even though I wanted to do this. 

In the end, I ended up doing the giveaway and really enjoyed the whole process a lot – finding new readers, connecting with like-minded authors as well as seeing my writer friends rally around me. It gave me a felt sense of connection, which is “the” thing I want out of sharing my work. 

Although I followed myself in this case, I know there are other times when I do give in to the paralysis and over-thinking. What are some of the common beliefs you see around scarcity thinking, which might not be that apparent to us? How can we experiment with shifting into abundance? How has this shift helped you in your own life? 

Alie: I can totally understand how you would have doubted yourself there; it’s great that you followed yourself in the end. But just as you mention, it’s very easy to slip into overthinking, self-doubt and ‘scarcity’ thinking.

Some common thoughts and beliefs around scarcity which may not be so obvious are ones such as: “I didn’t achieve enough today,” “there’s never enough time in the day” and “I could never be like her/have that lifestyle“(even though you’d like to). Underneath all scarcity thinking, there is usually a core belief that either “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough.”

The first step to shifting scarcity beliefs into abundant beliefs is to be aware of them and to know that they are not facts, but simply how you are choosing to perceive yourself or the world.

With this awareness, you can then be open to shifting your perspective to everything you already are and everything you already have as well as choosing a new belief, such as ‘I am enough exactly as I am.’  A powerful way to embed this new belief is by repeating it daily as an affirmation. 

For me personally, I noticed that I had an underlying belief that I could not fully love and accept myself, or fully relax and be happy until I was more X, Y, Z and had X, Y, Z. In other words, I was not enough and didn’t have enough in the present moment (and never would be or have enough if I held onto this belief as I will always have new desires and goals!). This was a huge realisation!

So practicing affirmations around loving all of me right now and in every moment, and shifting my focus onto the abundance that is already around me has been really helpful. It’s an ongoing practice for sure!

Ritu: As an INFP with Introverted Feeling as your primary function, could you talk about the practices you have around processing intense feelings? Just recently, I realized how although I have learned to deal with intense feelings to some extent, the reason some feelings get so intense for me is because I don’t verbalize them.

It’s like they exist in a pre-verbal state. I think I need to start journaling more often. Writing exercises are also part of your approach. Could you give us some prompts that can help us excavate or relate to our feelings better? What should we remember as INFPs to help process the intense feelings that seem to be the hallmark of our emotional life? 

Alie: Sure. Journaling is an amazing tool for processing intense feelings; firstly because it gives them an outlet instead of staying stuck in your body (or in your mind as thoughts), and secondly, because by putting words to those feelings, it often provides deeper clarity and understanding as you are able to expand on them and make connections to your past experiences.

Another powerful way to process our feelings is to speak them aloud. This could be to someone who is willing to listen without judgement and without giving advice, or, simply by speaking aloud to yourself or to an imaginary friend e.g. a wise and loving old woman. INFPs might be reluctant to try this, but I’d definitely recommend giving it a go!

The other equally powerful way of processing intense emotions is through creative expression without words. For me, that could look like putting on a song or an instrumental piece that I feel would be appropriate and letting my body move and express itself instinctively.

It’s important to do this alone (at least to begin with) so that you feel completely safe and able to express yourself fully without holding back. This is actually something I plan to integrate into my work either within retreats and/or workshops!

It could also look like sitting alone and taking some deep breaths and exploring where the feeling is in your body. Is it static or moving? Does it have a shape, colour or texture? Continue to breathe deeply and to really sit with the feeling, fully accepting it. Which emotion does it feel like?

If it feels like sadness, allow yourself to cry. If it feels like anger or frustration, allow yourself to express this on your exhales e.g. through loud heavy sighs or other noises (I’d also recommend experimenting with hitting a pillow, lying down and kicking your legs on the bed, or repeatedly throwing a heavy pillow on the floor. Sidenote: I never considered myself to be an angry person, but after exploring this further, I realised it’s because I’d learnt to suppress it!).

You could then explore why the feeling is there i.e. where it came from and what triggered it, send it love and compassion and decide whether or not you are ready and willing to let it go. Alternatively, you could talk to the feeling itself and ask if it has something to tell you or ask what it needs. Lots of options!

Ritu: Yes, definitely! You’ve given us a lot of options to explore feelings. Thank you.

It was great chatting with you, Alie. You have such lovely energy! And I think fellow INFPs and highly sensitive creatives will get a lot out of your work. Is there anything else you would like to add that I haven’t touched upon? Also, where can people find you and your work and connect with you? 

Alie:  Thank you Ritu! It’s been lovely to learn more about you and to share our honest insights on such meaningful topics. I’m happy with what we’ve covered here. People can find out more about me and my work at www.wellnesswithalie.com and connect with me on Facebook or Instagram @wellnesswithalie. I also have a private group called The Confident Introvert Tribe where I’m most active, so if you feel called to, I’d love to have you join us there 🙂