As an INFP, I come across very differently to different people. With people I am not comfortable with and in new situations, I come across as a classic introvert.
There are people I know who think (with good reason) that I don’t open up easily. It’s very hard for them to get to know me. With these people, it’s as if I have a thick curtain in front that obstructs their view of me.
In fact, it took me until my 30s to understand that the intense feelings that are the hallmark of my emotional life, are invisible to most people I meet. A lot of people are just not as attuned to picking up on energy as highly sensitive INFPs and INFJs.
So unless it’s obvious and apparent, they don’t even see what I am feeling.
This is good at times, and not-so-good at other times. It’s something that I have only just started getting in the last few years – that I need to be more emotionally expressive and direct so that people can see me and understand where I am coming from.
But there’s also the flip side that I experience as a highly sensitive INFP.
Some people I know (casually) actually think that I am an extrovert.
Surprise, surprise!
I think this is because of the F and N in INFP (Feeler and Intuitive). I am a feeler, and so, when I have a conviction about something, it’s very easy for me to talk about it in a self-assured way. In these cases, my shyness is superseded by how much I believe in that thing I am talking about.
The other part of this is also that the F in INFP (and the same is true for INFJs), makes me a “people’s person.” I am deeply interested in people. I love topics like personality theories and want to understand what makes people tick and actually love interacting with people.
Of course, the decided introvert in me comes out later on when I spend reams of time alone.
But there are definitely times when, in the right setting and in the right company, I am energized by conversation. This is usually when we are talking about topics I love, like the MBTI.
I think in these situations, my extraverted intuition is also on display.
I love to try and figure out what other people’s personality types might be. I love to understand how other people think and feel and look at the world. And since most people are usually curious about topics like these, about understanding who they are, it becomes a fun interaction.
I think that’s why INFPs and INFJs are often called the most extroverted of all introverts.
This doesn’t mean that we are extroverts. We still need lots of time on our own to recharge.
But it does mean that we are not the classic introvert or rather the stereotype of what an introvert is supposed to be. As INFPs and INFJs, we love people! We are not the kind who do well locked away from all human interaction.
It’s just that our human interaction looks different from those of more extroverted personality types. We love interacting one-on-one, with people we share a love of certain ideas (we are definitely “ideas people”) and even in small groups that feel comfortable to us.
Of course, like other introverts, if we are put in huge groups and especially ones in which we feel like we don’t have much to say or contribute, we tend to become quieter and quieter.
But in groups where we love what we are talking about or are amongst kindred spirits (like a writing group, a book discussion group or a group centered around a hobby we enjoy ), our natural love of people and ideas is visible and apparent.
Then, we might look like extroverts to some.
But we know that different people look at us very differently. Some think of us as reclusive and terribly private. Some think of us as warm, welcoming and inclusive.
And of course, both of these things are true.
That’s the seeming paradox of being an INFP and INFJ.
We can be extremely private and reserved. We can need a lot of time on our own, thinking and reflecting, learning and recharging. But we are also genuinely energized by interacting with people.
For INFPs and INFJs, connecting with people is what makes us happy.
In a way, we are like both cats and dogs (Don’t you just hate those comparisons which always compare introverts with cats and extroverts with dogs?). I am like a dog because I gravitate towards people and I like to be around them (just not a whole lot of them).
I am also like a cat because I love my own space. I love reams of time on my own. The one thing that makes me truly uncomfortable is someone trying to be intrusive and getting into my space.
No. Unless I know you, I don’t want to discuss what feels like truly personal, private topics with you. And yes, everything is personal.
So, there you have it.
Like all other people, INFPs and INFJs are not one thing. We are many things and in our seeming contradictions lies our true nature.
We are often off in our head spinning tales or weaving some big idea that needs lots of time and study. We also love to talk to people and have long conversations about them as well as the things we love.
Both of these make us who we are.
A people-loving, idea-chasing person who feels their way through the world and who withdraws into their cocoon when the world gets too harsh.
But when the conditions are right, we peek our heads out and go looking for people to talk to. You might meet us on that day when we are holding forth on one of our cherished ideas to a group of people who are actually listening to us.
Then, you might think we are extroverts.
But we are not. We will be going soon enough into our libraries and our basements to tinker and study and play with ideas. We will become fascinated by spiders and spider-webs.
We will read book upon book on medieval history. We will listen to every talk we find by a person who has something interesting to say about this new thing we really want to learn about.
We will put all of this in our compost heap and new seeds will start sprouting. Things will start connecting, forming, growing.
It’s then that we will start acting like little magpies, bringing you the shiny things we’ve discovered, talking loudly and excitedly about them. Look at this. Look at this thing I found. Isn’t it beautiful? Doesn’t it just fill you with wonder? Wasn’t it worth searching for?
As INFPs and INFJs, this is what we do best. We connect ideas and people.
Because we love both people and ideas, we can bring new ideas to people and tell them why they are important. And because we genuinely love people, we also care about how the ideas impact them.
Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that something to feel happy about?
If you are are an INFP or INFJ who feels like they don’t belong, think of this.
You belong to yourself. You also belong to the rest of the world who needs you. While corporations might speak of humanizing ideas and humanizing the way we work, you are the one who can actually do it, who actually knows what that really means.
In a world being taken over by machines, isn’t that one of the things we need? Ideas that support our tenderness and fragility, not ones that launch wars against our very nature.
So, this is a call to heart for all of us, including me.
Let’s all of us, all INFPs and INFJs, stop doing things that don’t come naturally to us and instead do more and more of what does come naturally – listen to our intuition, follow our feelings and connect all the things for other people that we can see are connected.
Let’s move on to the next level, where we are not playing defensive and thinking that we don’t quite belong to the world, but see that the world also belongs to us. The world is for everyone to shape, to play with, to interact with.
Let’s give it more of what it needs, that heart-felt connection that makes up the very best of who we are.
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it connects personal stories with practical tools to help highly sensitive people channel their gifts.
Ritu is the recipient of the Silver Medal at the prestigious Rex Awards, presented by the International Confederation of NGOs in partnership with the United Nations in India and given to people creating social impact through their work.
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