Interview with Jasraj Hothi, Founder of The INF Club.

This week, we welcome Jasraj Hothi,  fellow INFP and HSP, to this blog. Jas is the London-based blogger behind The INF Club, a community for INFP and INFJ personality types. 

You can find his writing on Medium and Highly Sensitive Refuge. Jas also writes fiction and poetry, and is planning to self-publish his first novel this year.

I have been looking forward to this interview and a chance to talk to a fellow INFP who is also highly sensitive! So, without further ado, let’s begin!      

Ritu: Welcome to the blog, Jas! It’s so good to have you here! I know you are a fellow multi-passionate creative person. Can you tell my readers a little bit about yourself? How has your journey as an INFP sensitive creative been up till now? Where all has it taken you? 

Jas: Thanks so much for having me, Ritu, I’m excited to be doing this! So my journey has been a pretty zig-zaggy, winding one. I realised sometime in my early-mid 20s (I’ve recently turned 30) that I was an introvert, and have subsequently realised the extent of my sensitivity, too.

After dropping out of university (college) twice, I fell into sales, which was useful in pushing me out of my comfort zone and developing some softer skills, but long days in an open plan office in a people-focused role was challenging, to say the least! Since then I’ve been back to study (a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology, aka ‘the science of happiness’), tried to do ‘my own thing’ (an education startup & freelance writing), and worked in a remote role.

Perhaps most importantly, I have learnt to find ways that nourish me outside of my ‘work’, where I have typically put all-of-my-eggs into, basket-wise (if that makes sense). I’m constantly reminding myself that work is just one part of a nourishing, fulfilling life. A recent trip abroad reminded me of this!

Ritu: Absolutely! That makes complete sense, Jas. I have been there too, putting my eggs-into-one-basket. And I agree. Finding happiness in different ways is so important!

Jumping off from this, what role has intuition played for you in finding happiness and in your life? In the past few years, I have thought a lot about how I really need to listen to my intuition.

As INFPs who grow up in a culture that values rationality & logic above all else, it can often take us a long time to learn to trust our “irrational feelings” about people & situations and go with them instead of following an ordered list of pros and cons. 

Then, there is the other side. There are also situations in which INFP Extraverted Intuition (Ne) branches off into too-many-possibilities & makes it hard for us to close down our options & simply choose! This was definitely one of my problems as a younger INFP and well into my 20s.

I never wanted to close down an option. But in life, there are situations where you need to close down options & decide. In fact, choosing can actually be great for INFPs and help us break out of that perpetual state of deciding, not-deciding. 

What do you think about this? What’s your relationship with your intuition? Have you had any significant experiences with it? Do you trust it more or less as you grow older? How do you deal with the limitlessness of INFP intuition? 

Jas: Wow, what an amazing topic – and a timely one for you to ask about, too. It feels like I’ve constantly been through transitions in these last 4 years, especially career-related ones. I actually give myself credit for being far better at coping with unknown, limbo-like situations. I actually find myself in one of those right now, as I’m interviewing for a job again.

I’m very much going with the flow and following my gut on this one. I’ve learnt to take small steps forward, to put myself out there gently (e.g. by sending an email to a company/hiring manager, or a voice note to someone in my contacts who I’d like to re-connect with), and just trust that it will happen as it’s meant to.

As you describe, though, there’s totally a flip-side to this. Trusting one’s gut isn’t always an easy thing, and perhaps isn’t in and of itself the ‘right’ thing to do. Otherwise, I’d just sit around and wait for things to happen, which I don’t think would be the best thing in the world, either! When I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, journalling really helps me get my thoughts and emotions out, and slowly process and move through them.

Overall, I’m really embracing leaning more into this intuition and also trying to cultivate it. (In fact, one of my current morning affirmations is to say that I trust my intuition and am consciously trying to cultivate it). Things like yoga and meditation help with this, but also less-obvious grounding activities like spending time with friends and family, or being in a new place. 

Ritu: That’s really cool to know! Yes, it’s definitely a balancing act to combine intuition and action as an INFP.

It was also really interesting for me to read your blog piece about how you’ve learned not to overextend yourself and people-please. As you say, people-pleasing is very common amongst INFP and INFJ personality types. Our accommodating nature, the fact that we are “feelers” who absorb subtle clues from the people around us, and the fact that many of us are also highly sensitive often add up to that deadly cocktail of people-pleasing. 

I definitely related to this. I also related to your experience of learning to be more reserved/detached in every-day-situations so you don’t keep on walking into interactions that drain time and energy. For example: You talk about how at your gym, you now make eye contact with and smile at only the people you are familiar with. 

While this might sound detached to some people, I completely understood this as a fellow INFP! I have definitely learned to not be as approachable as I naturally am so I can hold better boundaries. I think a lot of us INFP personality types have this dilemma – this tussle between our natural openness & that openness leading to draining encounters.

How have you framed this struggle for yourself? What do you think is the difference between being “too nice” and being authentically and appropriately kind? 

Jas: It makes me so happy that you enjoyed this piece, and could relate to a lot of what I talked about in there. The whole gym/eye-contact-avoiding thing can make me feel like a weirdo sometimes! But, honestly, it’s a way for me to draw my boundaries and keep my energy reserves intact. You’ve summed up this dilemma perfectly, Ritu. It’s one that I’m constantly trying to manage.

I’ve mentioned my trip abroad already; I went to Mykonos with my brother, cousin & uncle. As I’ve felt so different and have been pretty reserved with family members – including close ones – over the years, this trip was a real reminder that I perhaps I shouldn’t shut myself off so much and that maybe, just maybe, others aren’t so different from me after all.

Incredibly, I found out that my cousin is an INFJ! This came completely out of the blue, but is not at all that surprising now that I know this. My auntie (my cousin’s mum) is also an INFJ. 

As, for a while, I’ve worked for myself or remotely, this has also been great in some ways but has also meant that I’ve probably shut myself off from the world and become less social. I’m trying to change that; for example, I’m trying out a co-working space near me in the next couple of weeks.

I’m trying to be better at organising things with friends, and seeing a friend every week. I’m going to a friend’s birthday this weekend, and have a theatre trip coming up in a couple of weekends’ time. I’m trying to do more, and ‘extend’ myself in healthy ways.

All the while, whenever I ‘show up,’ I try to do so authentically. This might mean, slowly and gently, offering things about myself and having deep conversations, like I did in Mykonos. I’m working on talking about myself and offering even small things up about myself, as typically I’ve been very closed off and am very good at artfully deflecting onto the other person and enabling them to open up.

I’m not sure if this answer has made much sense, but hopefully, I’ve kinda answered what you were looking for!

Ritu: Yes, definitely. I think it has been a similar process for me as well!

While reading your writing, I also thought about how I have often attributed my being “nice” and accommodating to the conditioning I grew up with (Be a good girl!) although it’s definitely a mixture of being female and being an INFP.

While being a sensitive woman definitely has its big challenges, I can only imagine how complicated it must be to be a sensitive man! Can you tell us a little bit about your own journey as a highly sensitive man? How have you learned to value your sensitivity and re-write your relationship with it? What do you value now in yourself that you struggled with five or ten years back? 

Jas: This is also something I’ve given some thought to.

I think I’ve always known that I have a sensitive temperament; my grandmother and mother are both highly sensitive and they both find certain situations/circumstances/movies very upsetting.

I remember being a kid and crying at particularly poignant movie scenes. It was only when I read Elaine Aron’s book and did the ‘test’ that I realised the true extent of my sensitivity. (On a separate note, auto-immune diseases run on my grandmother’s side – my grandmother has vitiligo and my mother and (aforementioned INFJ) sister are both coeliacs)…I’m convinced that there’s a link between the gut/sensitivity/auto-immune stuff, but I digress!

I’ve gotten more comfortable with the idea of being a sensitive man as I’ve gotten older. I feel that there is great strength and courage in embracing our sensitivity and vulnerability, as the likes of Brene Brown are now advocating.

I feel that high sensitivity comes with its advantages as well as it’s lesser-advantages (I’d rather not call them disadvantages!). It just has to be managed, like I have learnt to do. I also feel that there are a lot more highly sensitive men out there than it appears on first glance in blogs, on Twitter, in social media groups, and so forth. 

Compared to 5 or 10 years ago, I really love my sensitivity. I feel it makes my inner intuition compass far stronger, and there are so many beautiful benefits of being able to connect with myself – and with others – so deeply.

As a writer, it has also given me a deeper appreciation for & understanding of the arts which I don’t think I’d have otherwise. With high sensitivity comes a deep understanding of the human condition and all sorts of nuance; I don’t think I’d be so capable of writing stories or poetry/songs, otherwise.

It’s probably why I also enjoy cartoons and fantasy so much, too! (One of the things I’ve gotten into recently is Heidi – there’s a cartoon I sometimes catch in the morning, and I was reading a beautifully-crafted, illustrated version in the bookstore just yesterday). I love Heidi’s story, probably because I can relate to her longing to be free, and also the personality of her misunderstood grandfather, too.

I feel that there’s a movement happening, though, and just yesterday I discovered via a Facebook Group I’m a part of, that there’s now a book for highly sensitive men! Highly Sensitive Refuge are giving away free copies to lucky winners to coincide with the book’s launch. The book is by Tom Falkenstein, who founded the European Centre for High Sensitivity.

Ritu: That sounds amazing, Jas. I will have to check the book out. Thanks for sharing! So, recently, I was reading somewhere (I think on Personality Hacker) about how we can have “Type Envy.” Although I wouldn’t trade being an INFP for anything (even though I have had many tough times with it), I definitely relate to wishing that I had some specific skills that are so easy for other personality types, such as the planning and organizing skills that come easily to ENTJs. 

At the same time, I have also been thinking about how I sometimes discount myself and feel as if my very qualities are negatives just because sometimes in the past, they have led to a specific outcome, such as my flexibility making me more vulnerable to takers & manipulators.

I’ve been thinking of how I need to reframe this for myself and also remember how flexibility is also one of the good things that makes me resilient. I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!

What about you? Have you ever wished you were like any other personality type? Are there qualities in you that you now see in a more balanced way, in their bigger light – with both positives & negatives? 

Jas: Oh this is another fabulous question, Ritu.

I have to admit, in the past, I’ve wished I was more of a ‘J’ – more organised and better at getting things done, rather than being so whimsical with time-keeping and getting things done.

My mother is very much a J, and I’ve often wished I could be better at sticking to things and finishing them. For similar reasons you have described, I have wondered what it would be like to be a more rational ‘NT’ rather than an ‘NF’, too. A couple of friends are INTJs, and they seem to be quite similar in terms of personality and values. 

That said, despite MBTI really resonating with me, I have also tried to remind myself that putting myself into boxes isn’t a good thing to do. I remember reading about how INFPs are amongst the lowest-earners, least likely to be an entrepreneur, and so forth. (I was very excited when I found out, via Twitter, that Darren Rowse over at ProBlogger is an INFP!).

I constantly remind myself that, whilst I am an INFP, the world is my oyster and that there is no one out there who is completely like me. I believe that we are able to work on ourselves and, through effort and commitment, can be whoever we want to be and accomplish whatever we wish to achieve.

I very much subscribe to Angela Duckworth’s principles, backed by research and real-life examples, that she lays out in Grit, which just so happens to be one of my favourite books.

It’s a small world, apparently; Angela was a student of Marty Seligman, who coined the term ‘Positive Psychology’ and effectively founded this new thread of psychology, which I studied as a Masters course back in 2015-16.

Ritu: What advice would you give your younger INFP self? What do you wish you’d done differently ten years ago? For me, I wish I had thrown my hat over the fence more often and tried more things. What have you understood about being an INFP that you didn’t know before?

One thing I’m learning is that Introverted Feeling really is introverted. Most people I know cannot see how intensely I feel about certain things because that process is entirely invisible to them. That seems kind of obvious but I hadn’t really thought consciously about this before.

My feelings always felt very obvious to me, and I couldn’t comprehend that others didn’t notice them clearly. What about you? What have your experiences been like?  

Jas: Oh gosh, I feel there’s so much I’d share with my younger self. I think I’d tell him that I am OK, and that I don’t need to use up my time and energy on things and people that don’t serve me. I’d have encouraged him to pursue his own hobbies and interests outside of school (I had my head in a book all the time and I lived for my grades & the ‘kudos’ that came from this… not good for my self-worth), and take time to find “my people.”

I’d also have thrown a book or two on introversion and high sensitivity his way, so he understood it better. I’d also have encouraged him to not need to read/reflect so much and rely so much on science and the information out there, but to trust himself and his instincts more.

That all being said, I am a big believer in things happening for a reason and timing, so I don’t have any regrets. It’s all been part of my personal journey, and I’m right where I need to be right now, I truly believe that.

Whilst my upbringing was pretty much set up for the university path, I’d have questioned whether going at that time was right for me. It would have also been nice to realise just how much familiar environments were important to me – university was a really tough experience, being away from home and in a new environment and with new people was really very difficult for me.

I actually still find this tricky as an adult, though I feel better equipped to deal with such challenges. (For example, I spent a month in Tenerife earlier this year and I am intending to do more travel exploring over the coming months… let’s see what happens!)

“Most people I know cannot see how intensely I feel about certain things because that process is entirely invisible to them.” – this really resonates with me!

My feelings and hunches about certain things, my need for purpose in the work I am doing, all of this stuff isn’t necessarily understood by others around me, and that’s OK. The most important thing is that I continue to trust myself and my instincts, and keep working on my self-care and self-love.

Whilst I feel different, I really would like to lean into forging closer relationships with family members and friends who continue to be good for me and serve me well.

Ritu: I agree. Everyone doesn’t need to understand everything about us. At the same time, as INFPs, we also need to reveal and express a little more.

So, now, I have a lighter question for you, Jas. What quotes or ideas feel like the core of your INFP self to you? For me, it’s Antoine De Saint Exupery in The Little Prince: “It’s only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

As I grow older, I am also starting to understand why it’s essential for me as an INFP to follow my convictions and why “To Thine Own Self be True” is so important for all INFPs. Are there any ideas that especially resonate with your core self as a highly sensitive INFP? 

Jas: Ah, what a fun question. I like Frank Sinatra’s My Way song – the lyrics and message is very apt. I am struggling to come up with direct quotes right now, but I am finding myself lean more into ideas that are more in line with ‘connect more with oneself,’ rather than science/western schools of thought.

Joe Dispenza is an author who keeps cropping up. As is Reiki and Shamanism. I visited a psychic last week for the 2nd time, which is perhaps a topic for another time. In other words, I’m slowly becoming more ‘out there’ and embracing my inner wisdom and resources, and things like manifestation and law of attraction and all of that fun stuff! As a typically western, rational, Psychology post-graduate, it feels like I’ve come a long way!

Ritu: I know what you mean. Embracing being “alternative” has been part of my journey too. And I love reading about Shamanism as well. I’ve also done my Level 1 Reiki attunement. So, we have a lot in common!

It was great chatting with you, Jas! I am sure fellow INFPs, INFJs, and highly sensitive creatives will resonate with your thoughts. It was also great to have the chance to talk to a highly sensitive man. The world definitely needs more sensitive men right now! 

Is there anything else you would like to add that I might not have asked? Where can people find you and your work? What’s the best way to connect with you? 

Jas: It’s been so nice chatting with you, too, Ritu. Thanks again for the opportunity to take part in this. I agree – I feel that there are lots of sensitive men out there, but just hidden away in our quiet corners! I’m excited to see books like The Highly Sensitive Man, by Tom Falkenstein of the European Centre for High Sensitivity, become a thing. Power to the sensitives!

The only thing that I’d like to say is that I have learnt so much about my introversion and sensitivity in the last five or so years, and I continue to do so. As a sensitive introvert, I prioritise my self-care, it is my number 1 priority, and self-care includes everything from sleeping at a reasonable hour, through to yoga and meditation, and making time each week for nourishing conversations and deepening my relationships.

Folks can find out about me and what I’m up to at www.jasraj.me, which links to my INF Club blog (INFclub.co) and social profiles.