Here are some ideas and resources that can help us set better boundaries as highly sensitive people & empaths.
Empaths and Narcissists are not “Attracted” to Each Other by Default.
There was a time when I used to believe that needy people were almost “attracted to me” because I was sensitive. But in the last few years, I have slowly learned that codependency and being empathic are two completely different things.
While it is true that being sensitive does make us more open to people generally (and so, also open to problematic people), that’s different from having a false belief inside us that says that narcissists are attracted to us like moths to a flame.
Although the empath-narcissist dynamic is real, we are not made for each other in some horribly unhealthy way. It’s also not the case that narcissists can suss us out magically at first glance.
They don’t automatically know, for example, that we, as highly sensitive empaths, are the kind of people who will often give people a second and then a third chance. It’s only when they interact with us that slowly, gradually, they realize these things about us and start seeing how our way of operating is just a little different from that of others.
Of course, the combination of being sensitive and not having good boundaries can become a deadly cocktail in this case.
Maybe you, like me, have had experiences where you felt that your very best qualities — such as being open-minded and being willing to give others the benefit of the doubt — have completely backfired and hurt you.
In these situations, it can feel as if narcissists are almost attracted to us.
But after many years and a lot of bashing my head against the proverbial wall, I now feel that while being sensitive does set us up to have more bad encounters with challenging people if we are not careful, high sensitivity, in itself, does not cause our entanglements and enmeshments with narcissists, bullies, and other boundary-jumpers.
These entanglements are caused because of bad boundaries.
Have Compassion for Yourself for Not Being Good with Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Empath.
The truth is that most of us haven’t had good boundaries modeled to us. Many of us really struggle with figuring boundaries out for ourselves. We also struggle with identities we have picked up and put on like a mask, such as being “nice.”
This being “too nice” was definitely one of my problems.
Also, although it’s a good quality to give people the benefit of the doubt, it’s also equally important to learn to see who we are giving the benefit of the doubt to. If we listen to excuses too many times, it’s then that the problematic person we are interacting with learns that we are going to be more malleable and easily invaded than others. It’s then that they up their game.
I talk about this dynamic in this post I wrote on how empaths don’t “attract” narcissists and how believing in this fated attraction can keep us feeling like victims. This post was inspired by this piece on fellow empath Jennifer Soldner’s blog that talks about how she thinks it’s not empaths that “attract” narcissists, it’s people with poor personal boundaries who do.
If you are squirming in your seat or feeling resistant to this idea, I do feel your pain! I have had many years where I was constantly getting entangled with difficult people in one way or another. It almost felt like I was bashing my head against a rock again and again. I talk about these experiences in my book The Empath’s Journey
At those times, I couldn’t fathom what I was doing wrong. But looking back, I know I was caught up in what’s called the bash-trap phenomenon in psychology. In this, we keep on hurting ourselves again and again without realizing that we are also contributing to the problem and that we do have a choice to do something different.
We are caught in an unconscious pattern made of so-many little moves on our part (that makes us stick around with the wrong people) that it’s very hard to see the role we, ourselves, are playing in keeping an unhealthy relationship going.
This is not about victim blaming. I do think the narcissist needs to bear the complete share of their responsibility. for what they do. I know it’s hard for empaths and sensitives to suss out narcissists because we are usually pretty trusting. But the thing is, if we are entangled with them and need to get out, then we have to learn to see where we got caught in the trap, why we fell down into the ditch with them and how we can extricate ourselves.
Realizing that while being highly sensitive does make setting boundaries harder sometimes, the empath-narcissist dynamic is not a “given” and is not created by only high sensitivity, has been very helpful for me.
This means that things are under my control. I can check whether I am people pleasing. I can check whether I am being discerning. Am I painting the other person in too rosy a light, for example? Am I being naive?
Basically, this helps me see how I can stop the moves I am doing and get out of the destructive dance with the boundary-breaker.
Some Resources for Highly Sensitive People and Empaths on How to Set Better Boundaries.
Of course, when I finally started to understand this, it wasn’t as if a switch flipped and I became better at setting boundaries overnight. In fact, I am still learning.
In fact, in the beginning, this process felt really hard. But with time and practice, it’s gotten a lot easier. So, if you are struggling with boundaries or even with giving yourself permission to set boundaries, I want to say that setting boundaries is just like any other skill.
You can learn it! You can practice it and get better!
As I started to learn about better boundaries, I also started coming across people and ideas that spoke to me. One idea that I found very useful was that ” You don’t owe anyone an interaction.” It comes from Caroline McGraw’s writing. You can read about Caroline’s thoughts here or watch her YouTube talk here.
If you are a people pleaser like I was, this idea can feel almost revolutionary! What? I don’t have to engage if I don’t want to? I don’t have to respond in the way that’s expected of me?
Mind blown!
At least that’s how this idea felt to me.
Another thing that really helped me set better boundaries as an emotional empath was slowly dismantling my “nice” persona. I was very identified with being a “nice” person a few years ago. It was like I’d forgotten the real essence of who I was and identified with a mask I wore all the time.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being “nice” appropriately. But “nice” can definitely be taken way too far. “Nice” is a slippery slope.
One book I highly recommend you read if you are struggling with setting boundaries because you are “too nice” is Dr. Aziz Gazipura’s book Not Nice. It’s written by a former nice guy who has reclaimed his power.
You know those books that you just know are true because you’ve been in almost the exact same dynamics yourself? This is one of those books for me. Aziz is not just highly relatable, he also has wonderful ideas about how to break the chains of “nice.”
Because chains they are. I know that being “nice” has stopped me many times from being completely myself. I know that being “nice” has admitted the completely wrong people into my life many times in the past.
Of course, just as is the case with any identity that’s become our default go-to way of functioning in the world, giving up “nice” wasn’t a cakewalk for me. When you try to take apart something that almost feels like “you,” then you feel lost.
For me, it was like there was a gaping vacuum left behind when I tried to wrestle out of being “nice.” I didn’t know how to act, how to function, how to be if I was not so busy being “nice.”
When I consciously started giving up this old identity, I slowly realized that I needed a new identity to take its place. For me, at that time, that was my growing identity as a writer.
How Highly Sensitive People and Empaths can Grow Into a New Identity that can Help Them Set Better Boundaries.
If I was not “nice,” who was I? If I was not the one always listening to people, giving things to them, “helping them,” who was I?
Well, if I wasn’t any of those things, then I was still something. I was a writer. Instead of rescuing people, listening to them endlessly, letting people dump on me, I could create. I could connect to myself. I could write by hand. I could do research. When I got tired with words, I could fill myself up by painting and playing with colors.
Instead of rescuing and helping and fixing and always being a shoulder to cry on, I could create, become a channel for creative energy, practice writing in the same way you practice playing the piano.
Bit by bit, as I gave more energy to my identity as a “writer,” it was easier to hook out of “nice.”
This struggle has helped me uncover the real me, the artist I have always been. In many ways, the person I was most lonely for was my own true self, my own connection with the real me hidden inside.
This is something I still struggle with from time-to-time. Change is often not one sweeping transformation. It’s pulling apart the facade you’ve built brick by brick. But now, when I fall into “nice,” my recovery time is much quicker!
So, if you are struggling with letting go of one identity, maybe, for a while, choose a second one and let them both live in you for a while. As your new identity becomes stronger (by your choosing to give it energy), it will be easier to demolish your old identity. You won’t feel as lost, as scared, as terrified of not knowing yourself anymore when you choose to give up this big part of who you identify as.
In time, you will have a different sense of self, which can, in turn, help you set up better fences around your sacred spaces.
Another idea that really helped me was consciously understanding that I needed to listen to people in the HSP-space that were more grounded. Like other empaths and HSPs, I am definitely an upper chakra person. I tend to believe things like “all things are connected” and “we are all one.“
But by then, life had shown me that while these beliefs might be correct in the ultimate spiritual sense, they actually weren’t true on the human level. We are not all one. If someone attacks you in a dark alley, it is you who are attacked. If you get hurt, it is you who will feel the pain.
In the same way, if you have a narcissistic boss or a family member who is a bully, you alone are going to suffer if you don’t set protective boundaries.
On this human plane, which we’ve obviously chosen, we are discrete, separate beings. We have limited energy, limited capacities and an actual ceiling to how much we can give without getting resentful.
So, I think Highly Sensitive People and empaths need to consciously look for more practical, grounded advice. One HSP-centric website I used to follow regularly was Caroline Van Kimmenade’s The Happy Sensitive blog. Check her out! Another person I really like is Sonia Choquette, the noted intuitive. While she is definitely a more “alternative” person, her suggestions themselves are very grounded and practical. Check her out here!
These are the kinds of people we need to have on our “advisory committee” as highly sensitive people and empaths. We need to be a little more pragmatic, a little less idealistic if we are to set strong boundaries around us.
Another book I really like is Dr. Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger. If you are a woman who struggles with being angry or owning anger, then this is a wonderful book! There are no boundaries without learning to feel and channel anger. If we are always caught up in being good or in feeling guilty (which is the default for “nice, good women” who never feel angry, just guilty for all we are not doing), then how do we have access to the fuel of anger?
Feeling our anger and recognizing our anger tells us about which boundaries are important to us. I talk about my own journey with anger in The Empath’s Journey. I talk about how this mountain lion I painted during a very emotionally draining time has become my symbol for the sacredness of anger channeled correctly, anger protecting you like a sentry. Just like the mountain lion, sometimes, we have to learn to go it alone and develop our capacity to stand on our own in order to draw a fierce boundary around us. Sometimes, people won’t like what we do and push against us violently. But we, ourselves, can be our own protectors.
These are just some of the resources and thoughts that have helped me in my own journey. I hope something in these different ideas and resources will be helpful to you. Constructing good boundaries is not easy as it is, and for sensitive people who might have been molded to be people pleasers, it’s doubly hard.
I see you. I know it’s hard. I know you can suffer. And I know you can do it.
You have a quality that people underestimate — perseverance. It looks nothing like brute force. It’s more like the drip-drip of water that carves great rocks. And by keeping on trying, keeping on persevering, keeping on choosing, you can walk out of unhealthy relationships. You can create an invisible force-field around your protective self. You can build stronger boundaries.
Ritu Kaushal is the author of the memoir The Empath’s Journey. Set during the first few years after she emigrated from India to the United States, it connects personal stories with practical tools to help highly sensitive people channel their gifts.
Ritu is the recipient of the Silver Medal at the prestigious Rex Awards, presented by the International Confederation of NGOs in partnership with the United Nations in India and given to people creating social impact through their work.
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