Do Empaths and HSPs Attract Narcissists?

Do empaths and highly sensitive people ATTRACT narcissists? Here’s an in-depth dive into a complicated question. 

From the scores of articles and YouTube videos that address this very topic, it seems that many of us have had experiences with problematic people who might have been narcissistic. We are all also looking for answers for why we got embroiled with them in the first place.

But is this dynamic a given? Do all empaths attract narcissists and boundary-breakers? Or is this just the experience of some empaths and HSPs?

I have been thinking about this for some time now. Recently, I came across this post on fellow empath Jennifer Soldner’s blog that talks about how she thinks it’s not empaths that “attract” narcissists, it’s people with poor personal boundaries who do. Here’s what she says about her statement, which, at first, might sound radical to some empaths.

“I know, I know.  There are a ton of articles that explain all the reasons why empaths and highly sensitive people (HSPs) are magnets for those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and many of their points make a great deal of sense.  Those who have been subject to narcissistic abuse find great comfort in them, seeing their life spoken by another and finally feeling validated in their experiences.  I love that many empaths and HSPs have come across these articles and used them to empower themselves out of the abusive cycle.

But the flip side is that these articles are only giving a portion of the truth, leading us to believe that by being an empath or HSP that we are destined to attract toxic people for the remainder of our days, which simply isn’t true.  These articles continue to perpetuate the deeply held belief that puts us at the mercy of toxic relationships which is that we have no control.”

Jennifer goes on to talk about people she knows in real life and how being an empath is not the deciding factor for whether a shark-like narcissist will smell blood on you. There are empaths with good boundaries and a strong sense of self who do not attract narcissists, Jennifer tells us. There are also non-empaths with poor boundaries who do end up getting hurt and mistreated by narcissists. Check out Jennifer’s full post on her website. It’s definitely worth a read.

I have to say I mostly agree with Jennifer. This is even though, like other empaths, I have had my fair share of encounters with boundary-breakers and people I suspected were narcissists (there is no way to know for sure). Of course, I do also understand the resonance that the belief that we “attract the wrong people” can have. On one level, it does ring true to our experience when we notice that people who are not as empathic steer clear of narcissistic people, while people like us become the fodder.

We are the ones who often give people a second and third chance, which sometimes ends up with us getting hurt ourselves. So, yes, I think being sensitive to other’s feelings sometimes does help create unhealthy situations. But it’s a double whammy that results from that dangerous cocktail of being sensitive and also not having good boundaries. Maybe, we would have escaped with fewer bruises (even if we had bad boundaries) if we just didn’t feel so much and give so much of the benefit of the doubt to the other person.  So, being sensitive does complicate things.  

But believing that narcissists are “attracted” to us like moths to the flame also keeps us victimized. In the end, it isn’t true. Even if we are empaths, with better boundaries and a stronger sense of self, we can steer clear of problematic people. We are not doomed to keep repeating the same pattern again and again.

I have seen this in my own life. There was a time when I felt like I was beating my head against the proverbial rock again and again. I always found people who were demanding or needy. I was always attracting (or so it felt like to me) people who just needed someone to listen to them while they vented and dumped their feelings on me. I felt myself seething in resentment and feeling as if I could only find friendships that were “one-way streets,” with me being the listener and giver. What was I doing to keep getting entangled with the same kind of person again and again?

But with some hard knocks and deep hurt, there came a time when I started to see, bit by bit, that I wasn’t “attracting” these people. I was the common denominator in all my experiences. The truth was, if any one of us goes out into the world, they will meet all sorts of people. It was just that when I came across these problematic people, I stuck around. I was too open and undiscerning.

I had beliefs about how it was “not good to judge people” and I was unconsciously taking it to the extreme so that I never judged people. So, I was completely undiscerning. I was so used to identifying with “being nice” that I didn’t let myself express the natural anger that rose up when a boundary was crossed. When I did realize I was angry, I didn’t quite know what to do with my anger.

But once I started putting all these different pieces in place, my encounters with narcissistic people and other boundary-breakers went down sharply. No longer was I available to be taken advantage of. No longer was I naive and idealistic. I mostly steered clear of them like a boat that goes around rocks. I saw them for who they were, instead of creating a story in my head about them.

So, I do agree with Jennifer that, in the end, having good boundaries is what keeps narcissists at bay. As empaths, we are not doomed to keep attracting the same pattern again and again. That’s wonderful. That’s a relief! There is nothing intrinsic about me that is pulling unhealthy people towards me.

At the same time, I do understand why having boundaries, in the first place, can feel so very hard. When good boundaries haven’t been modeled for us and when some of us have, in fact, also had our boundaries violated in our lives, just understanding them and building from the ground level up takes a huge amount of effort. We keep on trying our best. But we also keep on running against one unhealthy belief after another that we have to forcefully weed out one by one. Sometimes, our beliefs are so tangled up that it feels like one giant mess.

All this boundary-forming takes a lot of effort, time, and trial and error. It’s an ongoing process. We might do a lot of work, and then come across some blind spot. Then, we need to have compassion for ourselves, that thing that doesn’t always come easily to every one of us.

But if we can just keep going, there’s also the other side of. If we just keep trying, keep learning, we can get better at self-protection just like we do with any other skill we practice enough. So, if you have struggled or are struggling with a narcissist, have compassion for yourself. You don’t think like them. There’s probably also a history for why holding boundaries is so hard for you.

Know that you can learn about better boundaries. You are not doomed to finding the wrong people. You can build better a stronger protective field around you as a Highly Sensitive Person or an empath. No longer do we have to lose something to be of service. Looking for win-win is how we both protect ourselves and channel our gifts to the world.