The Awakened Empath: How to convert negative beliefs into healthy affirmations.

This week, I want to share some ideas from Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol’s book The Awakened Empath.

I have followed Luna & Sol’s blog Lonerwolf for a few years now and find that many of their insights really resonate with me. As in their blog, The Awakened Empath also talks about many of those tricky things that come with being an empath – dealing with narcissists and energy drainers as well as the struggle to give in a way that protects your own self and your own energy.

One of the things that I resonated with most both in their book as well as on their blog is when they talked about “the dark night of the soul.”

As an empath, I had this experience of the dark night a few years ago. It was a period of feeling that things no longer made sense, that everything was meaningless, that many things I had been taught were false. Through a lot of reading and soul searching and going deeper into my shadow, that dark night ended and a clearer self emerged.

Amongst lots of books on the shadow and Jungian psychology, the only blog that I read that talked about this sense of emptiness and meaninglessness at that time was Lonerwolf.

The Awakened Empath tells us why it’s important to not just do affirmations, but honest affirmations.

Because of this, I understand at least a little of the space and intention that Luna & Sol come from. Whether or not you believe in the more alternative things that they talk about in The Awakened Empath, such as working with the energy of crystals, you will find, especially at certain places, that the book has a clarity of thought that’s hard to find in most places. That’s probably why so many empaths follow their work and their blog.

There were a few different things that especially resonated with me about The Awakened Empath. This week, I want to talk about one of these. One of the simple but powerful practice that Luna & Sol talk about is turning faulty beliefs we may have about giving/being of service into “honest affirmations.” If you are a fan of Louise Hay like me, then you already know what affirmations are. If you don’t, then these are affirmations in a nutshell: An affirmation is a positive statement that can help you affirm something, usually a change that you’re trying to make. Saying the affirmation to yourself is reinforcing a new way of being. For example: If you have a belief that says that you are always exhausted as an empath, an affirmation might be: “I am full of energy and stamina.” Luna & Sol also talk about how it’s important to avoid a negatively phrased affirmation, such as saying, in this case that “I’m not a fatigued person.”

Why affirmations can be such powerful tools of change for empaths and highly sensitive people.

This is kind of Affirmation 101. You make a positive statement. You use it to affirm the thing you are trying to create. This could be something new altogether or like in this case, something new that replaces an unhealthy emotional pattern. In my own life, I have found affirmations very helpful. Saying good words to yourself encourages you. It gives you faith in your own power to choose. Sometimes, it also helps you see the good that you already have. You may notice, for example, that you actually do have energy a lot of the times and are only fatigued in certain situations or with certain people. Another practical reason, I think, that affirmations really work for some of us is because Words of Affirmation might be our primary “love language.”

This is a concept that comes from Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. In this book, Chapman makes a case for how different people feel loved in different ways. For example: One of  the five love languages is Gifts. But trying to communicate love to someone who appreciates words by giving them gifts might not work as well. They will probably like and enjoy the gift but a gift usually does not make them feel especially loved. This is definitely the case for me. Words are very important to me and encouraging, positive words almost feel healing while negative words physically lower my energy. If you are like me, then doing affirmations is a way to offer the kind words we need to ourselves. It can be a way to take care of our emotional needs, if the people we love are too busy or just don’t understand how much we need these kinds of strokes.

The Five Love Languages is especially focused on couples. Often, one person has a different way of expressing and needing love than the other.  Also, if you are a parent, check out the excellent The Five Love Languages of Children.

So, back to Luna & Sol. In The Awakened Empath, they talk about how affirmations need to be honest.

Honest affirmations are important because affirmations need to be something your heart and soul resonates with.

They can’t be something that brings up resistance because they feel fake and don’t ring true for you. This emphasis on “honest affirmations” takes it a step further than the common understanding of affirmations. Some affirmations that you find in a book may or may not be right for you.  In fact, sometimes, I find unhelpful affirmations, unhelpful for me, that is. For example: These affirmations actually tell me to do things like affirm that I am “open” when what I need as an empath is to learn discernment and be open at times and also have strong boundaries at other times. In the past, I have given up doing affirmations because something (usually one or two statements) will feel off and not right to me even though most of the affirmations are working. In these cases, I have often felt that confusing ambivalence. Sometimes, affirmations really physically lift my energy. Sometimes, I feel a resistance I can’t explain.

Luna & Sol give this example: Suppose you write “I feel overwhelmed by people.” as one of your challenges as an empath and a highly sensitive person.  Even though this statement might be true at times, if you examine this, you might find that that’s not always the case. So, this is not a fact. It’s a belief that you are always overwhelmed by people. This belief has both truthful elements as well as discouraging blanket statement inside it. If you were to change this belief, try to figure out what you want, what sounds good to you.  Maybe, it is, like Luna & Sol say, “I set strong and stable boundaries around others.” Maybe, it’s something like, “I am capable of setting strong and stable boundaries around others.”  The most important thing is that you choose an affirmation that resonates deep inside. Another example that Luna & Sol give is about struggling to set present tense affirmations. So, if saying “I am confident” sounds incorrect to you, then say “I am gaining confidence every day,” they suggest.

Again, you are the one who gets to decide what works for you.

Reading their discussion helped me realize how easy it is for give up something that really, truly works for me just because I don’t realize what my resistance to this practice is telling me. If you have struggled with affirmations as a highly sensitive person or empath, why not try these suggestions and see where they take you?

The Awakened Empath also has a list of the most commonly-held beliefs that empaths often carry.

I think it’s really helpful because when we think in black and white and mistake beliefs for reality, we keep on doing the same thing again and again. As an empath or a highly sensitive person, like me, you might have one or more of the faulty beliefs that Luna & Sol talk about. They need to be examined and then changed either in part or entirely. Some of the faulty beliefs that they mention that resonated with me are:

1. I should never get angry or hurt.
2. I should always take care of everyone.
3. I should always be generous.
4. People won’t like me if I don’t take care of them.
5. I am responsible for other people’s healing.

Maybe, you have some of these beliefs, some of these “shoulds” too. How can you convert them into a more nuanced way of thinking? Sometimes, I love to be generous. Sometimes, I am generous. But it’s also okay to be discerning and not be generous if it helps protect my boundaries.

So, what do you think? What beliefs are you treating as facts? Can you write them down, make them conscious and then begin to change them?