In her endlessly instructive book Introvert Power, psychologist Laurie Helgoe talks about the differences between cultures that value deference and those that do not. She says: “In America, deference is a very unpopular notion. Why would you put yourself “one down” when the whole point is to move up? Why would you back off when you are supposed to get ahead?”
This American emphasis on ranking versus linking is something I’ve been extremely uncomfortable with from the time I’ve moved here. I’ve noticed a pattern with some Americans (definitely not all) where the goal of conversation seems to be self-promotion, instead of forming a meaningful connection.
I discuss this with my husband. I mention how I’ve noticed that Americans say “I” a lot more than Indians do. To me and the Indian friends that I have here, this feels like praising yourself. But my husband (who has spent a large part of his life in Canada and America) thinks differently.
Sometimes, it’s just a cry for attention, he says, not self-promotion as such. That makes me pause and think. Also, there’s another thing. Since I come from an Eastern culture, my perception of someone saying “I” is negative. When an American says “I,” it’s usually just a statement of his or her opinion, my husband says. And there is no hierarchy, no external rules about who can and cannot express their opinions.
There is a lot of truth to what he is saying. One of the reasons that I feel uncomfortable with people expressing an “I” statement is because in India, there is a hierarchy when it comes to expressing what you think. For example, children are expected to obey, not question and think for themselves, unlike here in America.
As I mull over all my experiences, I realize that both my husband’s perspective as well as Laurie Helgoe’s thoughts are valid. In some situations, I have perceived an “I” statement as negative even when the other person might have simply been expressing what they think. Then, there have been those interactions that underline that competition is a prized cultural value in America. If you are not one up, you are one down.
As an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), this is problematic because my primary value is cooperation, not competition. So, separating these two strands in American culture – deciding if someone is being self-promoting or simply self-expressive – becomes very important.
James W. Pennebaker offers some clues on how to do this in this post in Harvard Business Review. He talks about how function words, such as pronouns, reveal people’s personality. He says: “Here’s a simple, pronoun-heavy sentence: I don’t think I buy it. Ooh. You just revealed something about yourself in that statement. Why did you say “I don’t think I buy it” instead of “I don’t buy it” or even “That’s ridiculous”?
Pronouns tell us where people focus their attention. If someone uses the pronoun “I,” it’s a sign of self-focus. Say someone asks “What’s the weather outside?” You could answer “It’s hot” or “I think it’s hot.” The “I think” may seem insignificant, but it’s quite meaningful. It shows you’re more focused on yourself. Depressed people use the word “I” much more often than emotionally stable people. People who are lower in status use “I” much more frequently.”
So, using “I” excessively, in mundane conversations, when you are not expressing a specific opinion, is a clue to a person being self-promoting. As HSPs, once we are aware that ranking is happening, we can start figuring out alternatives to handle power-driven conversations. The beginning is hard. Should we act like the other person – playing ourselves up – because we don’t want to feel one down?
But such a conversation will feel extremely draining to HSPs, much like a verbal performance. And in the end, we do not get what we need – connection. It feels like a Catch-22 situation.
But it need not be if we start accepting that everyone does not play by the same rules. If the other person is focused on ranking instead of linking, we need to stop blindly “linking.” I can imagine that for many HSPs, this means that we have to start disassociating with merely being “nice,” and start taking care of ourselves in small, concrete ways – like limiting interactions where we feel invisible or unheard. This also means that we stop acting in automatic ways – smiling politely even when we disagree. Taking back power can be as simple as that.
Since values of sensitivity are perceived as a weakness today, many HSPs rank themselves low, while automatically ranking other people higher. If we can re-frame our thinking, and understand that everything has a pros and a con, we can see more clearly that rank-based interactions don’t always work.
Although it feels like someone who is always “top-dog” is getting away with it, in reality that might not be the case. Talking all the time about yourself or being endlessly self-promoting is an extremely annoying trait at best. At worst, it means that you lose out on opportunities to understand where the other person is coming from.
As HSPs, linking is what we do best. We need to practice that while at the same time being discerning about which situations actually offer opportunities to connect. This gives us a ground to work from, and we can make a real difference instead of remaining addicted to idealism.
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