The Difference Between Empathy and Compassion

As an empath, you might often find yourself running dry, feeling resentment pile up. You might feel unseen and unheard while you extend your own self to really hearing and seeing other people. In the past several months, I have been thinking more and more about why my empathy has become problematic instead of being a wonderful connector.

When I think about the past, I remember feeling extremely affected by the suffering in the world when I was a child. But I also remember a feeling of being connected to something bigger than myself, to an unending source of sustenance. I don’t know if it was God or Universal Energy or whether we can actually find a name for it, but there was something that I was very sure existed, something beyond me.

As I grew up, that connection got more and more faint. It was replaced by fear of how unpredictable the world was, a fear that had grown and swollen as a result of a traumatic experience. Somewhere along the line, the pure essence of compassion that I had started with got muddied and different feelings and beliefs were added to it.

But I had never considered that compassion and empathy might be two different things. I had never considered how this difference affects us if we are both highly sensitive people and empaths.

The “aha” moment came for me while reading Dave Markowitz’s book Self-Care for the Self-Aware. In it, he talks about Empathy vs. Compassion, and how these two energies work.

I had mostly used these words interchangeably, almost feeling as if my compassion had given birth to my over-empathic tendencies, and this clearly laying out of the difference between the two stopped me in my tracks.

This is what Dave Markowitz says:

“The same actions done with differing intentions will produce dramatically different end results. For example, giving someone money out of pity (judgment, empathy) has a lower vibration than giving to him or her out of unconditional love (acceptance, compassion). The former can result in dependency for the recipient and an ego trip for the giver. The latter can result in self-reliance for the recipient and an ever-opening heart for the giver.” 

He goes on to say that although it is great to be a healer and wonderful to have compassion, when our compassion is overshadowed by empathy, it becomes less than helpful and far less healthy. In fact, in a statement that seemed quite startling to me, he says that being a healer (with or without the title) from a place of empathy is destructive to both parties.

“Empathy is an emotion of responsibility and enmeshment–a very low vibration, and comes from a misapplication of the concepts of oneness and responsibility. However, being a healer from a place of compassion and the more complete understanding of oneness is a higher vibration. Compassion is a sharing of unconditional love.” 

He goes on to shine light on this by giving the example of the Dalai Lama, a spiritual master he admires. Think of what would happen if someone like him felt responsible for everyone who thought he should be responsible for them. He would be so weighted down with their feelings and their burdens that he wouldn’t be able to go on. But instead of empathy, what he exercises is compassion. Anyone in his presence can feel his lack of judgment and be nourished by this acceptance.

A lot of us stumble here. As empaths and highly sensitive people, we might never have learned how to correctly apply the concept of oneness and responsibility.

We have either been taught or grown up in cultures or with religions that tell us that a truly good person puts others before themselves, that we are one and must recognize that. While the idea behind these teachings is a beautiful one, it discounts an important fact:

“..in this life, we are finite and unique expressions of the infinite One, and defining the necessary boundaries for the roles we take on is not a simple task. Seldom, if ever, are we taught healthy, specific ways of living from oneness.”

While the thought of being connected not just to people we love, but everybody else in the world is wonderful, if this connection is too open, empathy can go on from becoming something that expands us to something that makes us prone to picking up other people’s energies and then getting weighed down by these burdens.

Markowitz tells us that we have probably all experienced a wonderful connectedness at one time or another. But when this openness is not applied to daily life in an empowering way, many problems come up.

“We are all connected metaphysically, but physically we are not, nor should we want to be. If I’m connected physically to my clients, I’m going to have a very long day. If I’m too close to anyone without being aware of boundaries, the resulting enmeshment is unhealthy for all.”

Each one of us, he says, is on our own path. We all have our own burdens. By taking on other people’s burdens, we are doing both them and us a disservice. Let them carry their own burden. And let’s offer compassion, not an unhealthy enmeshment or taking on of other people’s feelings.

But maybe, like me, as a highly sensitive person who hears these words, you find yourself feeling reactive?

Many of us, especially those who are compassionate or have a gift for empathy, might have been conditioned to Be Responsible for other people’s feelings. We might have grown up feeling like the “good thing” to do was to set aside our needs, and take care of other people’s feelings and vulnerabilities.

What Dave Markowitz is asking us to do, is to look at the roots of our sometimes overblown empathy. There really is such a things as feeling too responsible for other people. We do have a responsibility to other people. But we do not have a responsibility to ensure that they never feel bad, that all their problems are fixed, that we betray ourselves in an effort to protect them from something. That is enmeshment.

Of course, this is really hard to do. It is a huge task to understand when we are empathizing in inappropriate ways.

So, how might we know when we, as empaths, are coming from an overblown sense of responsibility and when we are acting from true compassion? How did we live in a way that helps avoid empath fatigue?

“If you think you’re indebted to help someone, feel uninspired or are drained during or after being of help, it’s likely coming from responsibility. This also includes acting from guilt, shame, or fear; they all lead to resentment, and a constriction of your energy and thus a reduction of your immune system capabilities. If you feel more joyous, open-hearted, and energized during the action, it’s coming from love.”

Actions that are coming from love, the kind of love that feels unending, the kind of love we were connected to as children, don’t tire us. They don’t drain us. They don’t feel like we have a cut a piece of ourselves, and given away something we can’t afford. We are simply letting a bigger love flow through us.

When we are acting from a sense of lack or limitation or a gnarly feeling such as guilt, we feel blocked and this stagnant energy and discomfort gives rise to all those illnesses or pain that many empaths often struggle with.

But does this mean we ignore those in pain? Not at all, says Markowitz. 

“It only means we need to understand that their pain isn’t our pain, and that it is NOT our job to fix it for them. In fact, us carrying their burden prevents them from truly healing. It is best to be a supporter, a guide, an assistant to a process, but not a sponge or an enabler. There is a very big difference.” 

He also says that this does not mean we don’t take appropriate responsibility, like for our children.

It just means that everything in the world is not our responsibility to fix.

This reminded me of the Sonia Choquette post I wrote recently, where she says that in part, when as empaths, we want to fix other people’s problems, there is an element of wanting to get away from the energy that seems to be jumping out at us. But this is not love. It is sentimentality, feeling that everything problematic should be fixed right away.

I am still taking apart the over-responsibility that I have grown up with. It can be a hard thing to do. Sometimes, when I have enforced boundaries with one person, another person comes along, showing me that this pattern still lives on in me, that it hasn’t been completely dealt with. I guess it is a tricky identity to let go of, this identity of being the Helper (some might call the rescuer, but we are probably Both – rescuer and true helper), unpacking and letting go of the feelings of not being a good, selfless person whenever I try to set boundaries.

But I am starting to get that while we are connected, I don’t have infinite resources. I am just a finite person. It is not possible or healthy to be all things to all people. When I try, and I have tried a lot, it has hurt me at the core. It hurts the relationships that are the closest to me, when I become a bleeding heart that gives and gives and then feels drained and resentful.

I know it will be a journey, to understand this. Some days, it feels clear. Some days, the waters are hazy with my old identity. Like anything else, it is a process, two steps forward, one step backward, till I finally learn.

What do you think? Did Dave Markowitz’ ideas resonate with you? Did they call up things you do, and the reasons you do them? Did you feel resistant, as I sometimes do? Did they cause you to shift a little bit, and understand why empathy can become problematic?

If you liked this article, please share online or with someone else who might like it as well. Thank you!

If you liked this article, you might also like this piece I wrote recently for Anna Sayce’s website, which talks of the close link between our Soul Wounds and our Soul Gifts.

If you liked this piece, you might like these pieces as well:

Highly Sensitive and an Empath? This new empath resource could help.

Highly Sensitive People and Trauma: Help from Syma Kharal of Flourishing Goddess